Thursday, February 4

February 3, 2010: Blast from the past

Today continued on at work like yesterday. More indexing, merging, filing, and mind numbing. It's been raining here for the last two days, so it's tiring weather anyway. I had to bust out my iPod today just to stay awake. I'm not very caffeine dependent anymore, so it was bad when a cup of coffee and a Diet Coke didn't help. I had an interesting Facebook dialogue with my girlfriends about all of our current or past addictions to Diet Coke. I'm fortunately kicked my habit, but I still crave an icy can at least once a week. Many of them are still in full swing with their three of four DCs a day. It's been good for my wallet to wean myself off.

After surviving the day at work and safely navigating through the flooded roads, including an emergency shoe stop to purchase of some fab Tahari pumps, I made it home. I sank into the couch, ate my Chinese take out, and watched some crime dramas (my fave) and some college basketball. And then that's when the past came out of the blue and knocked on my door.

I had a hard time deciding if I would blog about this, as I'm not sure that I want everyone to know about certain aspects of my life, but I decided that I made a commitment to write about the significant events in my life that affect my year, and this definitely fits. It all started when I sent out a blanket message to let everyone know that I was leaving on the 12th to move, and I wanted to try to see all my friends to say goodbye. I included a few ex-boyfriends that I still consider friends on this message. I didn't expect any of them to reply, but I thought it was a nice courtesy to let them know.

So, one of them texted me back tonight to get the scoop on my impending move. He asked where I was staying, and wanted to know if he could stop by and see me. I think this guy is fantastic. Not fantastic for me, but just a good person. He's smart, he's handsome, he's funny, but he can't commit. He likes to rotate his girlfriends. He'll break up with one, and go back to the other, then switch. I'm not part of this equation, although I do occasionally see him since he has stayed friends with our mutual friends. So, X stops by and we chat. Things seem good. He's actually achieving all the goals he set for himself, and seems happy. And then it happened. We kissed. And it all just flowed from there. And I know that I'll never date this guy again, but we have a special connection from the unique situation we went through together. And as we layed there and talked and he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my forehead, I felt content and safe for the first time in so long. He asked me what was going through my head. I was honest with him. I told him that my last boyfriend had really hurt me and that I just couldn't let anyone else in. He asked why I let him in then. Simple, I've let him in before, and I trust him. I know that this surface stuff can't hurt me. It's when real love, emotions, and my heart get involved. I've already given this man a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. I'll always care about him, but I know that he can come over, kiss me, hold me, and walk away and it won't break me. Maybe that's not an emotionally healthy decision, but at this point, I needed to feel close to someone. I needed someone to hold me, and talk to me, and care about me. I needed to open my heart up just the tiniest bit so I could know that I was capable of that simple act again.

So, no matter what my friends might say, I'm glad I let him come over. If for anything, it will help me with closure when I leave next week. I think we both said things we needed to say for a long time. And we now both know that no matter what, we're both there for each other.

Good night,

Miss L.A.

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