I haven't written on my blog in a while, but after the week I've had, I'm going to write today. Warning: this is not a nice post. These are all of the things I'm not supposed to say.
I'm a people pleaser. I'm not sure exactly where that falls into my religious beliefs, but after 30 years, I don't think I'm going to change that. So what do I mean? I have a hard time saying 'no.' I commit to social events, to volunteer, to take on extra work, bake something for a potluck, organize and host parties, be in weddings, pick up mail/water plants for neighbors, support kids at sporting events, and take care of friends' kids or pets. People joke that I'm Wonder Woman. For the record, I do not feel like this lately.
Now, I love doing all of these things, but it's partially because I don't like letting people down. I rarely ever sit down and relax. I'm sure all of the moms that read this blog are likely say, "Well, I do all of those things." Great, I get it, you have kids and you likely laugh at my little old life. I'm happy to say that your life is harder. I don't have kids, but I've been saying yes to everything since I was old enough to make decisions on my own, say like 7th grade. That's approximately 17 years. I think I need a break.
Here's the problem, and the point where I feel like I'm being selfish, a characteristic that I despise in myself. I just don't know if I want to live up to please everyone else anymore. I am so incredibly loved by everyone around me and that makes me so happy. But I'm scared I might not meet everyone's expectations anymore, and that I'm losing my self a little because I'm not doing what I want.
And to top it off, my friends really do miss me. I miss them terribly, too. I'm crazy busy with work, and I'm so poor I can't really afford to go out like I used to. Not getting a regular paycheck is hard. Not getting a pay check for nine weeks is brutal. And it takes such a long time to recover from that when you aren't a trust fund baby :)
And not being a trust fund baby leads me to the most shallow reason I feel like I'm not Wonder Woman: my looks. I seriously enjoy looking put together. I like fixing my hair, putting on makeup, and wearing a cute outfit. Lately, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I quit wearing makeup and cute clothes because I never have a reason to put them on. Now all I see is this girl who's given up her dreams of working in fashion/music, and who feels like I can no longer have my cake and eat it, too.
I think I'm just overwhelmed with so many changes. And these are all the things that I'm feeling in my head and can't say aloud to anyone because people would tell me that I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Perhaps that's why I'm a singer and a writer. I feel things more deeply than other people.
All I know is that as exciting as all of this is, it's equally nerve-wracking. I just want to know that I'm going to succeed. I don't have to be happy every step of the way, but that I need assurance to know that I'm strong enough to please God, others, and myself.