Wonder Woman complex

I haven't written on my blog in a while, but after the week I've had, I'm going to write today. Warning: this is not a nice post. These are all of the things I'm not supposed to say.

I'm a people pleaser. I'm not sure exactly where that falls into my religious beliefs, but after 30 years, I don't think I'm going to change that. So what do I mean? I have a hard time saying 'no.' I commit to social events, to volunteer, to take on extra work, bake something for a potluck, organize and host parties, be in weddings, pick up mail/water plants for neighbors, support kids at sporting events, and take care of friends' kids or pets. People joke that I'm Wonder Woman. For the record, I do not feel like this lately.

Now, I love doing all of these things, but it's partially because I don't like letting people down. I rarely ever sit down and relax. I'm sure all of the moms that read this blog are likely say, "Well, I do all of those things." Great, I get it, you have kids and you likely laugh at my little old life. I'm happy to say that your life is harder. I don't have kids, but I've been saying yes to everything since I was old enough to make decisions on my own, say like 7th grade. That's approximately 17 years. I think I need a break.

Here's the problem, and the point where I feel like I'm being selfish, a characteristic that I despise in myself. I just don't know if I want to live up to please everyone else anymore. I am so incredibly loved by everyone around me and that makes me so happy. But I'm scared I might not meet everyone's expectations anymore, and that I'm losing my self a little because I'm not doing what I want.

And to top it off, my friends really do miss me. I miss them terribly, too. I'm crazy busy with work, and I'm so poor I can't really afford to go out like I used to. Not getting a regular paycheck is hard. Not getting a pay check for nine weeks is brutal. And it takes such a long time to recover from that when you aren't a trust fund baby :)

And not being a trust fund baby leads me to the most shallow reason I feel like I'm not Wonder Woman: my looks. I seriously enjoy looking put together. I like fixing my hair, putting on makeup, and wearing a cute outfit. Lately, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I quit wearing makeup and cute clothes because I never have a reason to put them on. Now all I see is this girl who's given up her dreams of working in fashion/music, and who feels like I can no longer have my cake and eat it, too.

I think I'm just overwhelmed with so many changes. And these are all the things that I'm feeling in my head and can't say aloud to anyone because people would tell me that I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Perhaps that's why I'm a singer and a writer. I feel things more deeply than other people.

All I know is that as exciting as all of this is, it's equally nerve-wracking. I just want to know that I'm going to succeed. I don't have to be happy every step of the way, but that I need assurance to know that I'm strong enough to please God, others, and myself.

Cheers,

March 12 - 24: Rules of Engagement

So I've finally gotten some time to write again. It's well earned, as I think I've gone on more adventures in the last two weeks than I have in years. I celebrated, cried, ached, laughed, smiled, dreamed, wrote, and reflected over the last two weeks.

A few highlights:

• Ally & her fabulous beau, Weston, got engaged! It was a wonderful surprise and such a sweet way to kick off these last two weeks.
• Enjoyed a picnic, complete with perfect 70 degree weather and flip flops.
• Drove 1,400 miles and saw some of my very favorite friends & family.
• Visited Mississippi for the second time in one year. It still feels like home.
• Held the hand of someone I loved while they went through a difficult cancer treatment.
• Ate the most delicious home cooked Southern meal. (And I didn't have to fix it!)
• Saw some of the most beautiful mansions, and then the most poor sections of our nation.
• Nailed two job interviews.
• Won a music audition to become a finalist to sing at a HUGE sporting event.
• Saw Lady Antebellum in concert.
• Went to the rodeo, and saw way too many cute cowboys.
• Kissed a man I love.
• Felt lonely for the first time in several months.
• Watched a wonderful woman bury her husband of over 60 years.

Like I said, it was a busy two weeks. Those were just the highlights. There were many conversations, long stretches of belting out songs in the car, sleeping on couches, and packing and unpacking in the midst of it all. I sit here tonight, about to embark on a new chapter. I am finally about to get a new job. I'll be moving into a new place, and putting down roots. I'm happy, but I've been missing my friends lately. I like living here, but there are times when I still feel like my heart might be somewhere else. I've been trying really hard to be patient and wait to see what happens. I may be on the brink of something fantastic. My band might come together soon, and I might be able to start making a living with my singing, or maybe I'm about to meet the man of my dreams.

I know that lately men have frustrated me to my wit's end. Paul, Wes, Pete, Blue, & James. They ALL boggle my mind. I feel like I've entered a period where men just think SO hard about what they want that they just sit around and wait for it to come to them. Chivalry may be dead. I'm the woman, but we're in an age where women can be equal to men in work & life. But in dating, men are still supposed to be the pursuers. I want to be chased. I want to be wanted. I feel like that's a lost art on men today. They've forgotten how to be gentlemen. What happened to phone calls, and letters. It's text messages and emails, and rescheduling via iPhone calendars. I'm a modern woman, but desire a man who will pick me up, bring me flowers, and tell me how nice I look. Especially when I spent 2 hours getting ready. Alas, I digress.

All that being said, I'm ready for 2010 to be my year. I'm long overdue for some really fantastic things to happen. My four best ladies are all embarking on exciting journeys this year, and I'd like to join the pack. If I have to take life by the horns, so be it. I'm ready. I'm forewarning you all. I might not be the "nice" Miss L.A. along the way. I may have to get a little dirty and play hard to get. It might be the best life tactic that I've practiced yet. So, let the race begin.

Ciao,

February 27-28: Family fun, culinary creations, and art nouveau

What a great weekend! I spent some much needed time with my nephews A&J, I whipped up some delicious food and sweets, visited a new church, saw some great art, and had a quasi-date. And that's just the icing on the cake.

Friday I spent the evening at home with my nephews and made some dinner for my family. After watching A&J dance around the kitchen and make me giggle myself silly, I went to bed after a mini Criminal Minds marathon.

Saturday I woke up to A&J poking their heads in every 30 minutes until I begrudgingly got out of bed. I made breakfast while they played outside. My mom woke me right up by suggesting we go shopping. What a whirlwhind. We shopped til we dropped! We snagged $1k in clothes for a little over $300. Bargain shopper extraordinaires. I got some great new staples for my wardrobe and it was a welcome treat since most of my clothes are in storage. After shopping, I went to the grocery to round out some purchases for cooking, and headed home to hang with A&J. I watched bike races, Play Station games, wrestling, bath wars, and general ruckus. I made them their favorites for dinner, then we made brownies for sundaes for dessert. Cooking with boys is a whole different ballgame than with girls. They turn everything into a dirty joke, and they like to smear batter wherever possible. Somehow I don't think differs much from grown men. :) Sundaes were almost spoiled when J accidentally kicked A's tooth out. Thankfully it was a lose baby tooth, but the blood gushing didn't set well either way. A little ice cream solves ALL problems though! I later carried two very tired boys to bed, and got to turn in early. A successful babysitting event, even with the blood.

Sunday I got up and ventured to a new church. A friend from high school, James, invited me to join him, as he sings in their fantastic choir. I was blown away by how much talent was in this place. They happened to be having their annual art show (at a church, no less), so I was treated to some amazing pieces. Some of this stuff was good enough to be in a museum. And the kids were all talented, too. It was really neat to see a church showcasing people's creative side. The music was incredible as well. A full orchestra, and a very strong choir. Probably the best church choir I'd ever heard. I think he wants me to join, and after a few more visits, I may be hooked. After church, James took me to lunch. We went to this amazing soul food restaurant, complete with live jazz. It was such great food, music, and fun atmosphere. We had a blast chatting and hanging out. I felt like I was on a great first date. I'm still not quite sure what it was exactly. I think the jury is still out on this one. I just hope there is a date number two. I don't think I've enjoyed a man's company that much in a long time. The time flew by, and I felt myself smiling and at ease. The best manners I've seen in ages.

After a late afternoon with James, I finally headed home and watched a movie with my family. I haven't been able to do that in years. It was so good for all of us to be together. After the movie I headed to Ralph's soccer game, and hung out with his boys and his friend Lauren. I have no idea if Ralph reads my blog, but in case he does, he needs to know that he needs to date Lauren. She's fantastic, and they would make a great couple. I had a fantastic time chatting with her, and I really hope we become friends. She's super pretty, stylish, smart, and just fun to be around. The kind of single gal that I need to be friends with in my new city. So, after freezing at another soccer game, I came home, had a nice cup of hot chocolate and am going to bed. What a great weekend. I hope that there are many more of these in 2010.

Buono Notte,

Miss L.A.

February 16 - 18, 2010: All in the Family

So I'm cheating on the blog this week. I'm just too tired to write. I owe my mother and all my friends who are mothers to multiple children some serious props. This is some tiring business. I've been waking up early, making breakfast, getting kids ready for school, taking my mom to work, getting home, doing all the dishes from breakfast and unloading the dishwasher from dinner, working out, getting online and researching jobs and making calls to network, doing laundry, running errands, more job search, picking people up from school, making dinner, doing more dishes, helping with homework, entertaining children, running baths, and tucking kids into bed. By the time I sit down, I'm exhausted. I don't think I've ever been this tired. And to think that most moms do all of this while working ANOTHER full time job! I vote that all moms needs a personal assistant. My own mother told me that it's much easier when you "ease" into it. She explained that you aren't thrown into having a husband, and two elementary school children overnight.

So, after four days of research, I have one interview set up, and hope to get a few more set up next week. I'm helping my good friend Ralph move this weekend. He's moving into the gorgeous 1920s apartments that I hope to move into as well. It will be SO great to have a neighbor who is also a great friend. And I'll really enjoy having someone to cook for again! That has been the highlight of my week. Cooking. It's one thing I really enjoy, and never get to do. And my family is seriously appreciative and chows down my food every night. That makes me very happy. It's so rewarding to make a meal that 5 other people enjoy eating.

I promise to write this weekend. And I also hope that I have interesting single lady happenings to report. I promise not to be swallowed whole by suburbia. :)

Good night,

Miss L.A.