Friday, January 15

January 14th, 2010

I woke up this morning and just felt "off". And then it hit me. It had been a year ago that I had to do the unthinkable. A year since my family had been shattered. A year since he left us in a tragic, horrible ending. And my heart broke all over again for my sister, and my nephews, and his family. There was an accident, and then the ICU, and doctor's reports, and tears, and machines, and hugs, and pictures, and stories, and then he was gone. And I had to tell my nephews that he was never coming back. And it broke my heart into so many pieces that I'm sure I won't ever get some of them back. And I had to be strong for her. I couldn't break down, because she needed me to hold her up. And I sang to honor him, even though the song nearly broke me right there. And sometimes I wonder what would have happened had he still been here, but I realize that he touched all of our lives in the way he was meant to.

And even after remembering all that pain, I pushed through the day. It was hectic, and emotionally draining, and I was worried about my aunt all day as she began chemo treatments to poison her body to kill the cancer that's been trying to eat away at her. It was hard to complete the tasks at work knowing that I am going to leave this place soon. How can you put your all into a place that doesn't have a place for you anymore? I guess that's why layoffs are a sudden thing. Once you know you're leaving, it's hard to care anymore.

Here I am trying to care, trying to work hard, and help everyone succeed. But I'm trying to decide where I'm headed, and what and where I really want to be. This road may be a long one. Let's just hope that it can only improve from here.

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