Sunday, February 7

February 6, 2010: a glimpse of things to come

Even after such a late night, I was up early after my nephews bounded in first thing in the morning. How can you be disgruntled at those adorable faces? You can't. They truly make me happy, even in the midst of all the uncertainty.

I helped my sister clean the house, unloaded my car, and made my plans for the day. Took a long hot shower, fixed my hair, threw on my fabulous new Tahari pumps and loaded the car again.

I headed into town to meet my good friend Sam for lunch. Sam and I have been friends for years. We went to church, high school, and college together. He's a photographer, and write's a fantastic style blog. We met for lunch and then he took me to look at a fantasic apartment. He's moving into them this month, and there is one other unit available. We're praying I get a job so I can move in as well. It's in the perfect location, and it's exactly what I'm looking for. Built in the 20s, hardwood floors, built in bookcase, original glass doorknobs, remodeled kitchen, and it even has a courtyard with a fountain! I just know that if I get to move in here, it will make this whole transition so much easier. I'd have a great friend nearby at all times, and I wouldn't feel like I'd lost all of my identity.

So, after looking at the place and talking over lunch, I was going to get back on the road. But as fate would have it, Pete called. We had discussed getting together while I was home, but he made other plans on Friday, and hadn't called yet. He apologized for the delay, and asked me to drop by. I weighed the matter, and finally decided to go. I don't know what to think about Pete. I like him. He's incredibly handsome; like in a way that the site of his eyes and smile instantly melt me. And I love to talk to him. What I'm unsure of is where he's coming from. We dated in late '09, but he got cold feet and stopped calling. I didn't know if I should give him a second chance. He gave me a very sincere apology when I arrived. He explained how he liked me so much, and it scared him, but he realized that he really wants to give 'us' a shot. Here's my problem. I got so incredibly hurt last year that I have a severe problem with trust. I trusted him once and he let me down. I feel like if I trust him again and he hurts me, it's my fault. I don't know what his intentions are with me. I know he likes me, but he sometimes seems distracted, and I honestly don't know if he is ready to be in a relationship. I'm not really ready for that either, but at the same time, I don't want to date a guy who is going to be dating several women at once. That's just not how I operate. I don't want to be his girlfriend, or even see him more than once or twice a week, but I don't feel comfortable with dating other people, or with him doing that either. That makes things hard. And we talked about this for a while, and at first I wasn't even sure where he stood. He finally kissed me and told me that he does really care and wants to "see where this goes." I am happy to do that, but I just want him to be honest with me. If he just sees me as someone to have fun with but nothing more, I'd really like to know. I am at a place where feeling vulnerable and unsure is something I don't have much room for in life.

Men. Sometimes I just wish I could read their minds for just a few moments. Maybe I could get some insight as to what exactly I should say and do so that this whole dating thing could be a lot easier for both of us.

~ Miss L.A.

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