Relationships

For those of you who know me, or who have been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I'm a relationship-based person. I was not built to be a "loner." As much as I love working for myself, I really crave human interaction. I had been struggling with loneliness for a while and just when I least expected it, God answered my prayer for a wonderful boyfriend and companion when he sent me Mike. He's everything that I want and need in a partner. He's aloof, intelligent, an honest critic, charming, handsome, sweet, and a hard worker. I love this man. My heart at times has felt like it could explode in the last few months since I met him. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me selfless. And he encourages me to be my best. The only problem is I think we've been in our honeymoon phase for a while, and I think my friends may think I've fallen off the face of the earth. Don't worry, I'm starting to emerge from my shell. :)

Mike and I are entering a new phase of our relationship. The one where we figure out how to be ourselves, and be a couple. That's a tricky phase, and one that often makes or breaks a relationship. I'm praying that God navigates us through it with care and ease. I know that both of us have so much going on with work, and we are both very stressed at times. That's hard for me because I don't get that out during the day, so when I see Mike, he often receives all of my emotional spewing for the day. Poor guy; he loves me in spite of this. I'm hoping that between all of his prep classes for the LSAT in December, and my work, volunteering, and travels to see friends, that we cling to our love and try our very best to always speak kindness to each other. This relationship is special. I don't want to guide this one. I want to let God keep guiding it. As a natural "controller," that's hard for me. So for now I'm "Letting Go and Letting God." He blessed me with an amazing man, and I have a feeling this is only the beginning of what's in store for us.

Cheers,

Butterflies

That's right, butterflies. I was just about to write them off as impossible. I was used to the so-so feelings, and I assumed I'd have to settle for them. Not now, not these; the kind of butterflies that you wake up with, make you not want to eat, make you smile, and just won't go away. This man gives me REAL butterflies. He is sweet, intelligent, charming, hardworking, incredibly handsome, funny, attentive, outgoing, passionate, and loves Jesus. He has shaken my world a bit, and I'm looking forward to the outcome.

Cheers,

P.S. He's crazy about me, too :)

A new decade

I am officially 30. It was a weird feeling waking up this morning and realizing that there was a new number at the front of my age. And as much as I had dreaded this day, when it arrived I embraced it with ease, and I'm starting to feel really happy about it. Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm getting a fresh start, like my life if just beginning. I opened my email this morning and found some mail from Allison, my BFF/college roommate. She sent me a "belated" card, even though we had celebrated the weekend before when I went to see her/the hubs. What I found was the sweetest thing. I've attached it below. I read the first few lines and started tearing up; half way through the tears were streaming.

On top of this note, my friends did so many wonderful things. Like the fact that my other BFF not only made me a lovely homemade dinner and birthday cake, but she had her three-year-old son sing to me. And when that wasn't enough to make me cry, she wrapped a gift for me to open every day of my birthday week, beginning with chocolate covered pretzels and Diet Coke, which we snacked on all the way to Cape Cod, Mass the summer of 2000. We claimed Wilson Phillips, "Hold On For One More Day" as our theme song, and to this day it always brings a smile. And tucked inside every gift that I unwrapped this week was another sweet note about how this would be the best decade yet. 

At dinner on Saturday, my friends showered me with laughter, drinks, fajitas, balloons, cake, and so many lovely gifts, including tickets to see Adele in October! I feel so incredibly blessed to begin a new phase of my life when I know that I am surrounded by so many people who are in my corner. (Even a phone call from Big couldn't bring me down!)

On Sunday, my actual birthday, I went to see Harry Potter and cried through most. It all seemed so poetic. I started reading HP in 2000; that year I started University as Harry started at Hogwarts. At the end of the movie/the books, he embarks into adulthood/life after Voldemort, closing several chapters in life. At the same time, I'm closing my twenties and hoping to embark on my next journey. It was bittersweet. I of course wish there was more Harry, but I look forward to sharing it with my children. 

Last night, Marie gave me a leather wrap bracelet that is inscribed with the perfect Bible verse: 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

This verse, and the encouragement of all my friends and family will carry me into my thirties. I have a feeling that if the last week is any indication of what's to come, it's going to be amazing!

Cheers,

Justice

I try to keep social commentary off of the Internet, but I'm going to share this with everyone. I already posted a few comments on various Facebook posts, but these are my feelings about the verdict today for Casey Anthony. One caveat, I did happen to grow up with a defense attorney for a father.

Honestly, I agree with the jury's verdict. People can yell at me all they want, but based only on the evidence presented to the jurors, the prosecution failed to show that she was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. There was too much circumstantial evidence and the burden of proof could never be fully placed on one person. I hope that one day the truth comes out. In the mean time, the person (or people) that were responsible for that baby's death have to live with their guilt for the rest of their lives. And even if by some chance Casey didn't kill her daughter, she'll have to live with the fact that she didn't report her daughter missing for 30 days. If she had, her daughter may not have died. Guilty or not, the general public views her as a murderer, and her life will never be normal. She will likely never get a job, have real friends, or have anyone who genuinely cares, believes, trusts, or loves her, which may be even worse than dying.

Bottom line, if you were ever charged with a crime you actually didn't commit, you'd be glad that the checks and balances of our legal system were in place. Justice isn't only served when people are found guilty; it's served only after a fair trial. I would be very scared to sit on trial in front of a jury of my peers based on the general public reaction to this trial. It's understandable to be sad for Caylee. It's just that so many of these cases don't get this kind of media attention, and no one bats an eyelash when someone is wrongly convicted. Our legal system has flaws, but I'm hoping that if more people cast their verdicts based on the burden of proof that these flaws will drastically decrease. Ultimately you can't find someone guilty based on emotions or assumptions. If that were the case, there would be a lot of innocent people in prison.

Goodnight,

13 days...

So for many people, the idea of an impending birthday isn't a big deal. Some shrug it off, some revel in the excitement of party planning. I usually throw myself into the planning as a distraction, but as a writer I'm a natural over thinker. I over think the average event, such as which type of toothpaste to buy. (No, seriously, I sometimes read the labels on five boxes before I make a purchase.)


So at each birthday, I turn all thoughts inward and reflect on the last year of my life. You can imagine then, that as I close in on finishing an entire decade, I've expanded my usual week long diatribe into a full month. In some senses, I'm attempting to overhaul my life. I've been reading a book called Turning 30: How to Get the Life You Really Want. It's actually a really great read, and I wouldn't just recommend it for people with a big birthday looming. It's helped me determine the state of my life and what I really want out of it. So far the book has really helped put perspective on things, and I'm realizing that these feelings are very natural. Apparently most people go through this phase sometimes between the ages of 28 and 32. According to the book, most adults start to take life a little more seriously, or they try to milk out the remnants of their youth before they really have to "grow up."


Then there are people like me who start to question which side of the fence they fall on. I had a list of goals that I wanted for myself. I wanted to graduate from college. Check. I wanted to get my Masters degree. Nope. I wanted to have a stable, successful career. 50/50. I wanted to do what I love, 50/50. I wanted to be in a successful relationship. No check. I wanted to be considering or have started a family. No check. I wanted to own a house. No check. I wanted to have my debts paid off. 85/15. I wanted to have a better relationship with my family. 50/50. I wanted to take a vacation to a new place at least once a year, even if in the U.S. No check. I wanted to feel like I had given my very best to everything that I did. 50/50.


I look at this list, and I imagine my "ideal life" and it doesn't measure up. And so I've gotten really down on myself. I don't dwell on my past. In fact, for some of the things I've gone through, I miraculously rarely think about them anymore. It's just when I get into the writer's mode that I can't help but reflect on what lessons I should have learned, what things I would have done differently, and how I'm going to implement these lessons into my life going forward. 


So, what am I going to do? I want to start thinking more about my words. That seems like a very simple place to start, but the things that come out of my mouth, my blog, my tweets, my Facebook, and my actions, ultimately represent how others see me. I want to be positive. I want to be the sunshine version of Miss L.A. that I ultimately know I am at my core. I want to leave this world a better place. I want to count my blessings of what I have, and not focus on what I'm lacking. I want to celebrate small victories, and do more for others, and stop apologizing. I want to read my Bible more often and pray more. I want to be a Godly woman. Because ultimately, I know that if I'm living the life that Christ would have me live, I know the next decade will be even more than I can imagine. 


Do I want all of the things I listed above? Yes. I'd of course still love to have a put together life. I just know that God didn't put everyone on this Earth to be perfectly put together. He made some of us a little more messy and beautiful. He gave some of us louder personalities. He blended us all together in every color, nation, tribe and tongue so that we can wonder at his infinite imagination, creativity, and love. Because if He can love the people that are hard to love, why can't I? I'm hard to love. Why? Because I have flaws. And I sin. And I push people away, and I lack trust, and yet so many people still love me. And so as I embark on this new decade, I want to choose love. I want to choose it even when it's so impossibly hard to choose. I want to remember that I am not the judge, and that if I choose to look at everyone the way that Jesus does, I will see those "flaws" as fingerprints of individuality. I will realize that those fingerprints are just more reasons to encourage, and grow, and serve. Because only when the people in my life have faith in God, will they ever be able to get past any of the things that are truly holding them back in life.


How do I know this to be true? Because I was inspired to write this blog post. When I sat down to write this, I just knew their were things that God wanted me to say. And I wasn't sure what that was. But these are the things that I struggle with most. I hold myself to such high standards that I have forgotten how to love myself. I can't look at my flaws and see fingerprints of Jesus. I see things myself as broken, ugly, and bruised. And I'm none of those things. I may be knocked down, but I am NOT destroyed. God has forgiven every one of my sins and shortcomings, and GRACE saved me. I do not have to prove anything to Him. I do not have to earn His love. Will I show it? Of course, because true faith has fruits. A living thing cannot shrivel up and be forever dormant. If it is, it will eventually die. And so I will choose to bear my fruit. I will use my gifts. And I know that through study, prayer, and patience, focusing each day on what I can accomplish, while not dwelling on the past or future, I will ultimately be victorious. What will that be? Only He knows that. 


The truth that I hold to the most is found in my very favorite verse in the Bible. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 


If that isn't a promise of a wonderful future, I don't know what is. If my dreams are so conceivably wonderful,  can I even begin to imagine what He has in store that is so marvelous that I can't comprehend it? That trust somehow makes all those broken, rough, rocky paths worth the lessons, struggles, heartache, and growth. Because God is ultimately preparing me and my heart for my perfect future. And I think that the realization of that and the peace that it brings will be the best birthday gift that I'll receive.


Now if I can only repeat that over the next couple of weeks. It may be tougher to swallow than I'd like, but I'll just keep repeating, "it's only a number."


Blessings, 

30 things

In honor of my impending big birthday (gulp), I've decided to compose some lists. Today I will name 30 of my favorite and least favorite things.

Favorite things: (in absolutely no particular order)
1. Children's laughter
2. Fireworks
3. Things that sparkle
4. The smell of vintage books
5. Three or more part harmony
6. A good sports cry
7. Texas A&M University
8. All things Southern (accents, people, hospitality, SEC football, bourbon, food, and MY FAMILY!)
9. Sailing on a sailboat, wind in my hair
10. Diet Coke
11. Really good chips and salsa
12. Turquoise (the color, the stone, it's present in all areas of my life)
13. Large earrings
14. Magazines (In Style, Texas Monthly, Lucky, Garden & Gun, Dapper,
15. Estate sales
16. Delicious smelling homes
17. Sports talk radio (I can't believe I admitted that one.)
18. Clean sheets on a made bed
19. Snuggling with a sweet puppy
20. Dancing with handsome men
21. B&W photography
22. Getting my hair blown out for no special reason
23. Home cooked meals savored at a table with family and friends, long past when the dishes are cleared
24. Surprising people (gifts, parties, etc.)
25. Road trips (especially on new roads)
26. Sitting on the porch
27. My Bible
28. Singing out loud (anywhere, anytime)
29. My fave places in the world: Castiglion Fiorentino, Italy, the dock of Snake Pond in Sandwich, MA, Isola, MS, and Erinshire in Abilene, TX
30. Long, meaningful conversations

Things I dislike: (again, in no particular order)
1. Burnt Orange
2. Cigarettes
3. Big Red
4. Booing at sporting events
5. Warner Brothers cartoons
6. Roller Coasters
7. Long commutes
8. Overplayed autotuned radio music
9. Those who think I'm shallow or stupid just because I am interested in fashion
10. Whispering - it literally makes my skin crawl
11. You can't plug two hair appliances into one outlet at the same time (like a flat iron and hair dryer)
12. When my favorite lipstick is discontinued
13. When people tear down historic homes in old neighborhoods and build modern monstrosities
14. Allegiance to universities from those whom have no family ties whatsoever
15. The dying status of the handwritten note
16. The age of instant information - I'm convinced this is why people are unable to hold conversations
17. That Dallas/Fort Worth doesn't have any HEB grocery stores
18. Tollroads
19. Bad Politics (in government OR in churches)
20. Cheap knockoffs (of boobs, bags, or bad art, etc.)
21. Sensationalism in the media
22. Bad grammar, especially in the newspaper or in business publications
23. The BCS system in college football
24. The lack of chivalry from men in younger generations
25. Rushing (in music, work, and getting ready)
26. Soft drinks in plastic bottles. I seriously think cans or fountain are far superior.
27. Being interrupted
28. Drivers who don't know how to make a u-turn. We're not in England. You still drive on the right.
29. Sense of Entitlement by anyone
30. Clutter*

*although I do love the shop Clutter at Warrenton/Round Top every April/October

Cheers,

The Battle of Loneliness

It's been one of those weeks. I think I've probably done a little too much thinking the past few days, but the only thing I could think to do was write about it, so here I am. It's hard for me to write on my blog sometimes, because I am scared of being too honest, but right now I just need an outlet for my real feelings, because I don't know if I've actually spoken those in a long time.


I think a lot of these feelings started when I moved in early 2010. Or if I'm really being honest, I think they started when I went through a terrible relationship back in the summer of 2009. I ended up breaking things off with a guy that completely ripped my world apart. And after that, I convinced myself that I was so ignorant for not seeing any of the red flags. I was stuck in a pattern of settling. And I started to realize that I had let the very act of settling, or the inability to say no seep into every area of my life—my job, my friends, my family. And I've been slowly reevaluating and cutting the bad spots out, one by one ever since.


Another recent change that may have triggered these feelings is that  I began working from home a few months ago. I literally go days at a time without seeing anyone that I actually know. I have a significant amount of time on my hands to think about my life, and what really matters to me. The thing is, it's gotten to be a very short list, and that frankly makes me very sad. I've always been an extremely outgoing person with many friends. I've realized that I have very few people who actually know me, the real me. I started to think about the people in my life who I truly love, and how much I really matter to them. I know there will likely be a lot of naysayers who read this and say, "Oh, everyone loves you." And yes, I know that people love me. But there is a difference in saying you love someone and actually feeling that you are loved and are important to others. 


So I started thinking about my real friends; the ones that really do love me for exactly who I am. The ones that will hang out with me in sweats and no makeup and have a glass of wine—or it's not a big deal if either of us pop in for a visit unexpectedly.  The ones that I have tough, honest conversations with. Many of my "friends" were just people from my past that don't really know anything about me anymore. In spite of this realization, I've continued to try to be open to my friendships, but it's left me feeling very lonely and made me take some very long hard looks in the mirror. If others don't know me, do I really know myself? 


The part of this journey that's been the hardest is that I'm not trying to permanently cut anyone out of my life or be malicious. I'm definitely not trying to make anyone feel like I don't care. It's just that because I'm a giving/loyal person, I've just felt empty lately. I can't be a half-friend; it's not in my nature. And because I had so many friends in my life, and never questioned what kind of relationship we actually had, I gave 100% to everyone. I ran out of giving. And I told several people this, and it wasn't well received. People felt like I was keeping score, or that had high expectations. And I wasn't trying to imply that at all. I just wanted my friends to see that everyone has a threshold. After the last few years, I've definitely reached mine. And I just need to fill up my tank for a while so that I can continue to be the kind of person that I know God wants me to be. The giver, the girl who always calls on your birthday, who sends cards, who takes last-minute road trips for important events, who will craft crazy things for your party/wedding/ baby shower, who volunteers for things, accepts most invitations even when I'm tired, and who wants to enjoy every moment of life. 


The other complicated piece to this puzzle? I understand that everyone has busy, complicated lives. Most of my friends are married, have kids, mortgages, successful careers, relatives all over the globe, and many hobbies. And I'm so happy for them because of these things. I just also realize that because they are so busy, that I can't expect the certain things from them. They are busy giving too. If I want to talk to one of my closest girlfriends, I have to worry about interrupting dinner, bath time with the baby, or that I'll wake their sleeping husband. Because of all of these changes, I deeply miss having someone who I have a real connection with. And I'm incredibly lonely—I said it—the word that I hate to say. But I am. I long to have that kind of love and fulfillment in my life that many of those around me have. 

Since Big and I broke up, I've had this gaping hole. I can't think of who to call with good news, bad news, or just random news; he was that person. I think about him all the time. We've talked a little, but I know that it only makes it harder for me to let go of my feelings for him. And when he calls on the day of his big fundraiser, it just makes me want to scream, "Why me? If I'm so important, why can't you just give us a real shot." Or I wish he'd say, "move to the East Coast." These are unrealistic thoughts. And I'm trying very hard to not think them anymore. I keep them to myself and I pray to God. And I know that only He can fill that hole, but it would also be nice if I could just stay busy enough that my mind wouldn't reel at times. 

I've also struggled with identifying with my friends. Part of me thinks that I've just assumed that everyone is  just like me for so long that I didn't realize that some of my friends and even people I meet are closed off from the world. And so when I try to talk to them, share with them, or do something that I think is helpful, they see it as the complete opposite. Some people find me overbearing. I'm honestly not trying to be. I'm just a genuinely friends person. And then things just get awkward. I keep hearing that life will continue to get easier with age, but I find myself questioning when that moment will come. When will I have the discernment to see these differences in others? 


For now, I'd really just like to meet some new people so that when I  really need to get out of the house, or get extra tickets to events, I can actually come up with someone to ask. I went to two large social events this weekend all alone. And even for someone who likes to talk, that's really scary. I stood at one event for almost an hour before anyone spoke to me. And when I tried to talk to people, they gave me looks like I was bothering them — or worse, that they felt sorry for me.


For now, I'm just hoping to kick some of this loneliness to the curb, and I'm hoping that my recent introspection will help me be a better friend, and know much earlier when it's just not going to work. I'm also hoping that I can feel God's reassurance that I am a lovely, wonderful woman, and that I don't need worldly confirmation to know these truths. 


On a final note, I know that this posts likely sounds like a pity party. I'm not asking for pity. I know that everyone feels like this sometimes. By all accounts I have nothing to complain about in my life. It's just that if you don't feel loved in your life, what do you have?


Cheers,