Wonder Woman complex

I haven't written on my blog in a while, but after the week I've had, I'm going to write today. Warning: this is not a nice post. These are all of the things I'm not supposed to say.

I'm a people pleaser. I'm not sure exactly where that falls into my religious beliefs, but after 30 years, I don't think I'm going to change that. So what do I mean? I have a hard time saying 'no.' I commit to social events, to volunteer, to take on extra work, bake something for a potluck, organize and host parties, be in weddings, pick up mail/water plants for neighbors, support kids at sporting events, and take care of friends' kids or pets. People joke that I'm Wonder Woman. For the record, I do not feel like this lately.

Now, I love doing all of these things, but it's partially because I don't like letting people down. I rarely ever sit down and relax. I'm sure all of the moms that read this blog are likely say, "Well, I do all of those things." Great, I get it, you have kids and you likely laugh at my little old life. I'm happy to say that your life is harder. I don't have kids, but I've been saying yes to everything since I was old enough to make decisions on my own, say like 7th grade. That's approximately 17 years. I think I need a break.

Here's the problem, and the point where I feel like I'm being selfish, a characteristic that I despise in myself. I just don't know if I want to live up to please everyone else anymore. I am so incredibly loved by everyone around me and that makes me so happy. But I'm scared I might not meet everyone's expectations anymore, and that I'm losing my self a little because I'm not doing what I want.

And to top it off, my friends really do miss me. I miss them terribly, too. I'm crazy busy with work, and I'm so poor I can't really afford to go out like I used to. Not getting a regular paycheck is hard. Not getting a pay check for nine weeks is brutal. And it takes such a long time to recover from that when you aren't a trust fund baby :)

And not being a trust fund baby leads me to the most shallow reason I feel like I'm not Wonder Woman: my looks. I seriously enjoy looking put together. I like fixing my hair, putting on makeup, and wearing a cute outfit. Lately, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I quit wearing makeup and cute clothes because I never have a reason to put them on. Now all I see is this girl who's given up her dreams of working in fashion/music, and who feels like I can no longer have my cake and eat it, too.

I think I'm just overwhelmed with so many changes. And these are all the things that I'm feeling in my head and can't say aloud to anyone because people would tell me that I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Perhaps that's why I'm a singer and a writer. I feel things more deeply than other people.

All I know is that as exciting as all of this is, it's equally nerve-wracking. I just want to know that I'm going to succeed. I don't have to be happy every step of the way, but that I need assurance to know that I'm strong enough to please God, others, and myself.

Cheers,

Relationships

For those of you who know me, or who have been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I'm a relationship-based person. I was not built to be a "loner." As much as I love working for myself, I really crave human interaction. I had been struggling with loneliness for a while and just when I least expected it, God answered my prayer for a wonderful boyfriend and companion when he sent me Mike. He's everything that I want and need in a partner. He's aloof, intelligent, an honest critic, charming, handsome, sweet, and a hard worker. I love this man. My heart at times has felt like it could explode in the last few months since I met him. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me selfless. And he encourages me to be my best. The only problem is I think we've been in our honeymoon phase for a while, and I think my friends may think I've fallen off the face of the earth. Don't worry, I'm starting to emerge from my shell. :)

Mike and I are entering a new phase of our relationship. The one where we figure out how to be ourselves, and be a couple. That's a tricky phase, and one that often makes or breaks a relationship. I'm praying that God navigates us through it with care and ease. I know that both of us have so much going on with work, and we are both very stressed at times. That's hard for me because I don't get that out during the day, so when I see Mike, he often receives all of my emotional spewing for the day. Poor guy; he loves me in spite of this. I'm hoping that between all of his prep classes for the LSAT in December, and my work, volunteering, and travels to see friends, that we cling to our love and try our very best to always speak kindness to each other. This relationship is special. I don't want to guide this one. I want to let God keep guiding it. As a natural "controller," that's hard for me. So for now I'm "Letting Go and Letting God." He blessed me with an amazing man, and I have a feeling this is only the beginning of what's in store for us.

Cheers,

Justice

I try to keep social commentary off of the Internet, but I'm going to share this with everyone. I already posted a few comments on various Facebook posts, but these are my feelings about the verdict today for Casey Anthony. One caveat, I did happen to grow up with a defense attorney for a father.

Honestly, I agree with the jury's verdict. People can yell at me all they want, but based only on the evidence presented to the jurors, the prosecution failed to show that she was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. There was too much circumstantial evidence and the burden of proof could never be fully placed on one person. I hope that one day the truth comes out. In the mean time, the person (or people) that were responsible for that baby's death have to live with their guilt for the rest of their lives. And even if by some chance Casey didn't kill her daughter, she'll have to live with the fact that she didn't report her daughter missing for 30 days. If she had, her daughter may not have died. Guilty or not, the general public views her as a murderer, and her life will never be normal. She will likely never get a job, have real friends, or have anyone who genuinely cares, believes, trusts, or loves her, which may be even worse than dying.

Bottom line, if you were ever charged with a crime you actually didn't commit, you'd be glad that the checks and balances of our legal system were in place. Justice isn't only served when people are found guilty; it's served only after a fair trial. I would be very scared to sit on trial in front of a jury of my peers based on the general public reaction to this trial. It's understandable to be sad for Caylee. It's just that so many of these cases don't get this kind of media attention, and no one bats an eyelash when someone is wrongly convicted. Our legal system has flaws, but I'm hoping that if more people cast their verdicts based on the burden of proof that these flaws will drastically decrease. Ultimately you can't find someone guilty based on emotions or assumptions. If that were the case, there would be a lot of innocent people in prison.

Goodnight,

13 days...

So for many people, the idea of an impending birthday isn't a big deal. Some shrug it off, some revel in the excitement of party planning. I usually throw myself into the planning as a distraction, but as a writer I'm a natural over thinker. I over think the average event, such as which type of toothpaste to buy. (No, seriously, I sometimes read the labels on five boxes before I make a purchase.)


So at each birthday, I turn all thoughts inward and reflect on the last year of my life. You can imagine then, that as I close in on finishing an entire decade, I've expanded my usual week long diatribe into a full month. In some senses, I'm attempting to overhaul my life. I've been reading a book called Turning 30: How to Get the Life You Really Want. It's actually a really great read, and I wouldn't just recommend it for people with a big birthday looming. It's helped me determine the state of my life and what I really want out of it. So far the book has really helped put perspective on things, and I'm realizing that these feelings are very natural. Apparently most people go through this phase sometimes between the ages of 28 and 32. According to the book, most adults start to take life a little more seriously, or they try to milk out the remnants of their youth before they really have to "grow up."


Then there are people like me who start to question which side of the fence they fall on. I had a list of goals that I wanted for myself. I wanted to graduate from college. Check. I wanted to get my Masters degree. Nope. I wanted to have a stable, successful career. 50/50. I wanted to do what I love, 50/50. I wanted to be in a successful relationship. No check. I wanted to be considering or have started a family. No check. I wanted to own a house. No check. I wanted to have my debts paid off. 85/15. I wanted to have a better relationship with my family. 50/50. I wanted to take a vacation to a new place at least once a year, even if in the U.S. No check. I wanted to feel like I had given my very best to everything that I did. 50/50.


I look at this list, and I imagine my "ideal life" and it doesn't measure up. And so I've gotten really down on myself. I don't dwell on my past. In fact, for some of the things I've gone through, I miraculously rarely think about them anymore. It's just when I get into the writer's mode that I can't help but reflect on what lessons I should have learned, what things I would have done differently, and how I'm going to implement these lessons into my life going forward. 


So, what am I going to do? I want to start thinking more about my words. That seems like a very simple place to start, but the things that come out of my mouth, my blog, my tweets, my Facebook, and my actions, ultimately represent how others see me. I want to be positive. I want to be the sunshine version of Miss L.A. that I ultimately know I am at my core. I want to leave this world a better place. I want to count my blessings of what I have, and not focus on what I'm lacking. I want to celebrate small victories, and do more for others, and stop apologizing. I want to read my Bible more often and pray more. I want to be a Godly woman. Because ultimately, I know that if I'm living the life that Christ would have me live, I know the next decade will be even more than I can imagine. 


Do I want all of the things I listed above? Yes. I'd of course still love to have a put together life. I just know that God didn't put everyone on this Earth to be perfectly put together. He made some of us a little more messy and beautiful. He gave some of us louder personalities. He blended us all together in every color, nation, tribe and tongue so that we can wonder at his infinite imagination, creativity, and love. Because if He can love the people that are hard to love, why can't I? I'm hard to love. Why? Because I have flaws. And I sin. And I push people away, and I lack trust, and yet so many people still love me. And so as I embark on this new decade, I want to choose love. I want to choose it even when it's so impossibly hard to choose. I want to remember that I am not the judge, and that if I choose to look at everyone the way that Jesus does, I will see those "flaws" as fingerprints of individuality. I will realize that those fingerprints are just more reasons to encourage, and grow, and serve. Because only when the people in my life have faith in God, will they ever be able to get past any of the things that are truly holding them back in life.


How do I know this to be true? Because I was inspired to write this blog post. When I sat down to write this, I just knew their were things that God wanted me to say. And I wasn't sure what that was. But these are the things that I struggle with most. I hold myself to such high standards that I have forgotten how to love myself. I can't look at my flaws and see fingerprints of Jesus. I see things myself as broken, ugly, and bruised. And I'm none of those things. I may be knocked down, but I am NOT destroyed. God has forgiven every one of my sins and shortcomings, and GRACE saved me. I do not have to prove anything to Him. I do not have to earn His love. Will I show it? Of course, because true faith has fruits. A living thing cannot shrivel up and be forever dormant. If it is, it will eventually die. And so I will choose to bear my fruit. I will use my gifts. And I know that through study, prayer, and patience, focusing each day on what I can accomplish, while not dwelling on the past or future, I will ultimately be victorious. What will that be? Only He knows that. 


The truth that I hold to the most is found in my very favorite verse in the Bible. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 


If that isn't a promise of a wonderful future, I don't know what is. If my dreams are so conceivably wonderful,  can I even begin to imagine what He has in store that is so marvelous that I can't comprehend it? That trust somehow makes all those broken, rough, rocky paths worth the lessons, struggles, heartache, and growth. Because God is ultimately preparing me and my heart for my perfect future. And I think that the realization of that and the peace that it brings will be the best birthday gift that I'll receive.


Now if I can only repeat that over the next couple of weeks. It may be tougher to swallow than I'd like, but I'll just keep repeating, "it's only a number."


Blessings, 

30 things

In honor of my impending big birthday (gulp), I've decided to compose some lists. Today I will name 30 of my favorite and least favorite things.

Favorite things: (in absolutely no particular order)
1. Children's laughter
2. Fireworks
3. Things that sparkle
4. The smell of vintage books
5. Three or more part harmony
6. A good sports cry
7. Texas A&M University
8. All things Southern (accents, people, hospitality, SEC football, bourbon, food, and MY FAMILY!)
9. Sailing on a sailboat, wind in my hair
10. Diet Coke
11. Really good chips and salsa
12. Turquoise (the color, the stone, it's present in all areas of my life)
13. Large earrings
14. Magazines (In Style, Texas Monthly, Lucky, Garden & Gun, Dapper,
15. Estate sales
16. Delicious smelling homes
17. Sports talk radio (I can't believe I admitted that one.)
18. Clean sheets on a made bed
19. Snuggling with a sweet puppy
20. Dancing with handsome men
21. B&W photography
22. Getting my hair blown out for no special reason
23. Home cooked meals savored at a table with family and friends, long past when the dishes are cleared
24. Surprising people (gifts, parties, etc.)
25. Road trips (especially on new roads)
26. Sitting on the porch
27. My Bible
28. Singing out loud (anywhere, anytime)
29. My fave places in the world: Castiglion Fiorentino, Italy, the dock of Snake Pond in Sandwich, MA, Isola, MS, and Erinshire in Abilene, TX
30. Long, meaningful conversations

Things I dislike: (again, in no particular order)
1. Burnt Orange
2. Cigarettes
3. Big Red
4. Booing at sporting events
5. Warner Brothers cartoons
6. Roller Coasters
7. Long commutes
8. Overplayed autotuned radio music
9. Those who think I'm shallow or stupid just because I am interested in fashion
10. Whispering - it literally makes my skin crawl
11. You can't plug two hair appliances into one outlet at the same time (like a flat iron and hair dryer)
12. When my favorite lipstick is discontinued
13. When people tear down historic homes in old neighborhoods and build modern monstrosities
14. Allegiance to universities from those whom have no family ties whatsoever
15. The dying status of the handwritten note
16. The age of instant information - I'm convinced this is why people are unable to hold conversations
17. That Dallas/Fort Worth doesn't have any HEB grocery stores
18. Tollroads
19. Bad Politics (in government OR in churches)
20. Cheap knockoffs (of boobs, bags, or bad art, etc.)
21. Sensationalism in the media
22. Bad grammar, especially in the newspaper or in business publications
23. The BCS system in college football
24. The lack of chivalry from men in younger generations
25. Rushing (in music, work, and getting ready)
26. Soft drinks in plastic bottles. I seriously think cans or fountain are far superior.
27. Being interrupted
28. Drivers who don't know how to make a u-turn. We're not in England. You still drive on the right.
29. Sense of Entitlement by anyone
30. Clutter*

*although I do love the shop Clutter at Warrenton/Round Top every April/October

Cheers,

The Battle of Loneliness

It's been one of those weeks. I think I've probably done a little too much thinking the past few days, but the only thing I could think to do was write about it, so here I am. It's hard for me to write on my blog sometimes, because I am scared of being too honest, but right now I just need an outlet for my real feelings, because I don't know if I've actually spoken those in a long time.


I think a lot of these feelings started when I moved in early 2010. Or if I'm really being honest, I think they started when I went through a terrible relationship back in the summer of 2009. I ended up breaking things off with a guy that completely ripped my world apart. And after that, I convinced myself that I was so ignorant for not seeing any of the red flags. I was stuck in a pattern of settling. And I started to realize that I had let the very act of settling, or the inability to say no seep into every area of my life—my job, my friends, my family. And I've been slowly reevaluating and cutting the bad spots out, one by one ever since.


Another recent change that may have triggered these feelings is that  I began working from home a few months ago. I literally go days at a time without seeing anyone that I actually know. I have a significant amount of time on my hands to think about my life, and what really matters to me. The thing is, it's gotten to be a very short list, and that frankly makes me very sad. I've always been an extremely outgoing person with many friends. I've realized that I have very few people who actually know me, the real me. I started to think about the people in my life who I truly love, and how much I really matter to them. I know there will likely be a lot of naysayers who read this and say, "Oh, everyone loves you." And yes, I know that people love me. But there is a difference in saying you love someone and actually feeling that you are loved and are important to others. 


So I started thinking about my real friends; the ones that really do love me for exactly who I am. The ones that will hang out with me in sweats and no makeup and have a glass of wine—or it's not a big deal if either of us pop in for a visit unexpectedly.  The ones that I have tough, honest conversations with. Many of my "friends" were just people from my past that don't really know anything about me anymore. In spite of this realization, I've continued to try to be open to my friendships, but it's left me feeling very lonely and made me take some very long hard looks in the mirror. If others don't know me, do I really know myself? 


The part of this journey that's been the hardest is that I'm not trying to permanently cut anyone out of my life or be malicious. I'm definitely not trying to make anyone feel like I don't care. It's just that because I'm a giving/loyal person, I've just felt empty lately. I can't be a half-friend; it's not in my nature. And because I had so many friends in my life, and never questioned what kind of relationship we actually had, I gave 100% to everyone. I ran out of giving. And I told several people this, and it wasn't well received. People felt like I was keeping score, or that had high expectations. And I wasn't trying to imply that at all. I just wanted my friends to see that everyone has a threshold. After the last few years, I've definitely reached mine. And I just need to fill up my tank for a while so that I can continue to be the kind of person that I know God wants me to be. The giver, the girl who always calls on your birthday, who sends cards, who takes last-minute road trips for important events, who will craft crazy things for your party/wedding/ baby shower, who volunteers for things, accepts most invitations even when I'm tired, and who wants to enjoy every moment of life. 


The other complicated piece to this puzzle? I understand that everyone has busy, complicated lives. Most of my friends are married, have kids, mortgages, successful careers, relatives all over the globe, and many hobbies. And I'm so happy for them because of these things. I just also realize that because they are so busy, that I can't expect the certain things from them. They are busy giving too. If I want to talk to one of my closest girlfriends, I have to worry about interrupting dinner, bath time with the baby, or that I'll wake their sleeping husband. Because of all of these changes, I deeply miss having someone who I have a real connection with. And I'm incredibly lonely—I said it—the word that I hate to say. But I am. I long to have that kind of love and fulfillment in my life that many of those around me have. 

Since Big and I broke up, I've had this gaping hole. I can't think of who to call with good news, bad news, or just random news; he was that person. I think about him all the time. We've talked a little, but I know that it only makes it harder for me to let go of my feelings for him. And when he calls on the day of his big fundraiser, it just makes me want to scream, "Why me? If I'm so important, why can't you just give us a real shot." Or I wish he'd say, "move to the East Coast." These are unrealistic thoughts. And I'm trying very hard to not think them anymore. I keep them to myself and I pray to God. And I know that only He can fill that hole, but it would also be nice if I could just stay busy enough that my mind wouldn't reel at times. 

I've also struggled with identifying with my friends. Part of me thinks that I've just assumed that everyone is  just like me for so long that I didn't realize that some of my friends and even people I meet are closed off from the world. And so when I try to talk to them, share with them, or do something that I think is helpful, they see it as the complete opposite. Some people find me overbearing. I'm honestly not trying to be. I'm just a genuinely friends person. And then things just get awkward. I keep hearing that life will continue to get easier with age, but I find myself questioning when that moment will come. When will I have the discernment to see these differences in others? 


For now, I'd really just like to meet some new people so that when I  really need to get out of the house, or get extra tickets to events, I can actually come up with someone to ask. I went to two large social events this weekend all alone. And even for someone who likes to talk, that's really scary. I stood at one event for almost an hour before anyone spoke to me. And when I tried to talk to people, they gave me looks like I was bothering them — or worse, that they felt sorry for me.


For now, I'm just hoping to kick some of this loneliness to the curb, and I'm hoping that my recent introspection will help me be a better friend, and know much earlier when it's just not going to work. I'm also hoping that I can feel God's reassurance that I am a lovely, wonderful woman, and that I don't need worldly confirmation to know these truths. 


On a final note, I know that this posts likely sounds like a pity party. I'm not asking for pity. I know that everyone feels like this sometimes. By all accounts I have nothing to complain about in my life. It's just that if you don't feel loved in your life, what do you have?


Cheers,

A Big Goodbye

Big finally made his decision. And as I'm sure you can assume from the title of this blog, my finale with Mr. Big didn't end by standing on a bridge in Paris, him telling me I'm "the one." My ending was much less poetic. It began with an email that said he'd come to a decision and wanted to talk to me about it. So, on Thursday, December 2nd at 9 PM, my last phone call with Mr. Big began.

As Big began to talk about his week, I reflected on the last 5 years, and all the prayers and love that had gone into our relationship. I had a peace that whatever happened, I knew that it was God's plan. He really had no idea how to start this conversation, so after what seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life, I finally urged him to get to the heart of the matter.

He sighed and asked me how to begin. I asked him the question that had needed an answer for entirely too long. Do you love me? There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the phone. He wavered on his answer for several minutes, and it was then I had my answer. If Big couldn't muster the courage to utter those three little words to me after all these years, he never would. The conversation went on for over an hour, & I said all of the things that I needed to say, the things that had weighed on my heart for years.


Getting off that phone call was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I let go of my very best friend, my PERSON, in order to open the way for the future. My heart feels very empty. There have been many times in the last few weeks that I've wanted to call Big. Driving hone from work everyday is the very hardest time. We always talked then. It was our time. To admit that I cry many days on my drive now is hard. I wonder what he's doing, how his day was, and if he was able to secure the President for his big fundraiser. I wish Big nothing but happiness. I also know that letting him go will open my heart for the future & a good relationship with a man who is willing to give me his whole heart. I will continue to wait, be it for the rest of my life, to find a man to love me the way that I loved him.


I got a package from Big yesterday. A fitting way to end the year. Enclosed was the circle journal that I made him in July 2006, right after my first trip to visit him. It is something that was extremely special to Big, & something I had waited all these years to get back. He finally wrote in it. It was hard to read. To see how much my love for him had grown was much to take in, but a fitting way to close our chapter. Big was finally able to open up to me & tell me how he felt. I see how I was able to give him my heart, & how he really did know the real me, better than I ever thought he did. It was nice to know that men sometimes do notice the little things after all.

So, with another year under my belt, it's time to close this chapter and say hello to 2011. I am ready for it to bring all my passions to the surface & live the life that I was called to live. It's time to set aside all my fears & go get all the wonderful things that Gid has in store for me. Writing this blog has been such a great experience & one I will continue for many years. To all of you who read about my life, thank you. It's good to know that I'm not alone on this crazy journey. May each of you have a blessed New Year!

Cheers,

Finally off the DL. (That's Disabled List, for you non-baseball fans.)

I can’t believe it’s been SO long since I’ve written. Well, thinking about what all I’ve accomplished since I last wrote on my blog, I guess I can understand. I’ve been a little busy. For once, I’ve been busy for really good reasons. In fact, I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and I’m finally starting to feel settled. It wouldn’t be the fabulous life of Miss L.A. though if there weren’t some interesting twists thrown in along the way, though. So, here are some highlights:


• I got a fantastic new job!

• I moved into a duplex in the neighborhood that I’ve wanted to live in since I was a little girl.

• I’ve made so many wonderful new friends.

• I’ve finally gotten back into a routine with a full social life!

• I lost 15 pounds. (Let’s shoot for even more!)

• I’ve been dating two great gentlemen. (More on that later!)

• I’ve been called on stage for an impromptu performance at a bar, and received a standing ovation.

• I helped my BFF, Alli, pick out her wedding dress.

• I took my first exam in over 8 years, and proved to still have great study skills by making an A! Because I passed, I’m a licensed insurance adjuster.



I’m still getting settled into my new life. The goal is to be completely unpacked and ready for a housewarming/birthday party in July. It’s the last year of my 20s, so I have to make it a good one! Thanks to my great friends, I’m winding down on the painting, and should be able to start decorating the walls and shelves very soon. It’s nice to have a full social calendar as an excuse to take my time. I’ve realized life is just too short to worry about getting completely settled into my place overnight. I’d rather enjoy time with my new friends, dates, and getting back into a solid routine, and take my time getting everything just like I want it. I’ll definitely post some pictures of the new place once it is all decorated. Thanks for reading after all this time. I’ll post tomorrow about the new men in my life. Just to peak your interest, I’ve got a handsome, trust-fund baby on one arm, and intelligent, witty, and adorable on the other. Which will I ever choose?

'Til tomorrow,

March 12 - 24: Rules of Engagement

So I've finally gotten some time to write again. It's well earned, as I think I've gone on more adventures in the last two weeks than I have in years. I celebrated, cried, ached, laughed, smiled, dreamed, wrote, and reflected over the last two weeks.

A few highlights:

• Ally & her fabulous beau, Weston, got engaged! It was a wonderful surprise and such a sweet way to kick off these last two weeks.
• Enjoyed a picnic, complete with perfect 70 degree weather and flip flops.
• Drove 1,400 miles and saw some of my very favorite friends & family.
• Visited Mississippi for the second time in one year. It still feels like home.
• Held the hand of someone I loved while they went through a difficult cancer treatment.
• Ate the most delicious home cooked Southern meal. (And I didn't have to fix it!)
• Saw some of the most beautiful mansions, and then the most poor sections of our nation.
• Nailed two job interviews.
• Won a music audition to become a finalist to sing at a HUGE sporting event.
• Saw Lady Antebellum in concert.
• Went to the rodeo, and saw way too many cute cowboys.
• Kissed a man I love.
• Felt lonely for the first time in several months.
• Watched a wonderful woman bury her husband of over 60 years.

Like I said, it was a busy two weeks. Those were just the highlights. There were many conversations, long stretches of belting out songs in the car, sleeping on couches, and packing and unpacking in the midst of it all. I sit here tonight, about to embark on a new chapter. I am finally about to get a new job. I'll be moving into a new place, and putting down roots. I'm happy, but I've been missing my friends lately. I like living here, but there are times when I still feel like my heart might be somewhere else. I've been trying really hard to be patient and wait to see what happens. I may be on the brink of something fantastic. My band might come together soon, and I might be able to start making a living with my singing, or maybe I'm about to meet the man of my dreams.

I know that lately men have frustrated me to my wit's end. Paul, Wes, Pete, Blue, & James. They ALL boggle my mind. I feel like I've entered a period where men just think SO hard about what they want that they just sit around and wait for it to come to them. Chivalry may be dead. I'm the woman, but we're in an age where women can be equal to men in work & life. But in dating, men are still supposed to be the pursuers. I want to be chased. I want to be wanted. I feel like that's a lost art on men today. They've forgotten how to be gentlemen. What happened to phone calls, and letters. It's text messages and emails, and rescheduling via iPhone calendars. I'm a modern woman, but desire a man who will pick me up, bring me flowers, and tell me how nice I look. Especially when I spent 2 hours getting ready. Alas, I digress.

All that being said, I'm ready for 2010 to be my year. I'm long overdue for some really fantastic things to happen. My four best ladies are all embarking on exciting journeys this year, and I'd like to join the pack. If I have to take life by the horns, so be it. I'm ready. I'm forewarning you all. I might not be the "nice" Miss L.A. along the way. I may have to get a little dirty and play hard to get. It might be the best life tactic that I've practiced yet. So, let the race begin.

Ciao,

March 1 - 11, 2010: Missing in Action

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's just been so hard for me to find any time to sit down in a quiet place a write. By the time I have a few minutes, I'm exhausted. Life has been really great though. I spent lots of time cooking and cleaning for my family. Applied for several cool jobs, and had a few calls and interviews, I went back to my old hometown to see friends, and I am in the process of interviewing/auditioning people for the band I'm forming. Not too shabby on my time management. I've gotten time to relax, and focus on what I really want out of life. I got to spend some really great time with Michelle, my oldest BFF, and it was so great to see her in full mom mode, and just how much she sacrifices for her husband, baby, and baby-on-the-way. Because of her and everyone in my life, I think my perspectives have changed a bit in the last month.

I am finally realizing how much I care about the people in my life, and how I really want music to be the thing that I give back to this world. I don't think I've ever given myself enough time to explore my talents, and I've realized that life is too short to not do what you love and were born to do. I've also realized that I would really love to be a wife and mother. I'm not sure if either of those are in the cards for me, but I at least hope a successful relationship with a wonderful man can be fit in somewhere down the road. If there is no baby, I can live vicariously through those around me :)

This weekend I'm going on a mini road trip to see some of my favorite people. Ally, Wes, and a few others sprinkled in between. I'm going to hear great music, eat good food, see amazing art, and mingle with new people. I know it will be good to get away for a few days and feel like a normal single lady again. The house mom thing can make me feel a little old at times!

So, for now I'm signing off. I promise to write another entry when I return. Thanks to everyone who reads about my life. I know that it should get more interesting again soon!

~ Miss L.A.

February 12, 2010: Farewell, part 2

So Friday was supposed to be cathartic. Instead, it all seemed to be filled with tension. Not so much by me, but everyone around me. Meetings, requests, purging, no lunch, last minute phone calls, and goodbyes. At one point during my day, I had to actually stop and say a prayer. I had this overwhelming feeling that this whole thing was a huge mistake. Maybe everyone needs me because I'm supposed to stay? I literally asked for a sign. I never ask for signs. Not because I don't believe in them, but because those kind of blatantly obvious things don't happen to me. I'm pretty sure God is continually trying to teach me how to be still, listen, and just be patient. For one brief moment, he gave me the obvious sign I needed.

One of my firm's new clients has been coming in the last few weeks for meetings. I've been on the phone each time he's come in, but he's always been polite, said hello, and always remembers my name. I just recently realized how important that is to me. It's very flattering when someone who has only met you once, and even heard your name one time, remembers it the next time they see you. It makes you feel like you actually matter to others. So, this client comes in, and I've literally just prayed this prayer in the past 5 minutes. He brings in a package of stuff for this advisor, and then hands me a sticker. It reads, "I am awesome." At the bottom, it has his website. He explains that he heard me mention that I was moving to a new city, and he "just had this feeling" that I could use a reminder that I'm awesome. He goes on to wish me well with my move. He smiles, I say thank you, trying to pick my jaw up off the desk. When he leaves, I check out this website. I get chills when I read this story. It turns out he is a motivational speaker who's entire premise is to teach people to follow their dreams. He too made a huge life move, quitting his job to follow his passion. I'm reading the story, and all I can think is see, you are making the right decision.

Before I even realize, I'm emailing this guy back to share my story with him. I explain that I feel like I've been settling in my life and that after all the bad things that happened to me over the last year, I felt like I was wasting all my talents. I don't use them at work, I don't sing enough, I don't get to be there for my family, and I just felt stagnant. I spilled the fact that I want to sing more than anything in the world, and how I'll do anything to make that happen. I sold half my stuff, have packed and lived out of boxes, and I'm now moving back to the place that scares me the most because I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. I thank this stranger for giving me a gift that may have seemed so insignificant, but gave me the courage that I've needed for months.

I send the email without hesitation. I don't expect to get a response, but I wanted to this man to know that he made my day. I go about my business and soon the phone rings. It's him. He calls to tell me that he is blown away by my email. He wants to talk to me more about my move, and asks if he can stop back by and give me a few more things. I am humbled, and agree. Again, for someone who has never even met me until a few days ago, his kindness is immeasurable. Just before it's time for me to leave, he drops in. T-shirt, pamphlet, DVD, and other tchotckes in hand, he shares more of his story. He thanks me again for the email and asks me to keep him posted on how things go. I'm inspired. I am elated. I feel blessed and on the verge of something great.

After he leaves, I say my goodbyes to my coworkers. It's bittersweet. I know that I will be missed, and I'll miss many of these people. I know we'll stay in touch, and I hope that they know just how much they meant to me, supporting me over the last two years. I receive many well wishes, and then leave. It was a liberating feeling to walk out the door. Not knowing what was to come, but excited for the ambiguity.

Off to pack the rest of my things, eat dinner with the girls and watch Valentine's Day, the movie. After a exhausting day, I finally crawl in bed for a good night's sleep for my drive tomorrow. Ready to hit the road of the next adventure.

February 11, 2010: Farewell, part 1

Thursday flew by at work, and soon I was sitting at happy hour, with many of my closest friends, saying goodbye. The whole evening was surreal. It just didn't seem like this was the end of my era here. Six years have flown by so fast. As I looked around the table, I realized that I'd made friends for a lifetime. I thought about those who were missing, and how many people had gotten me to this place in my journey. I thought of my BFFs, Ally, Lauren, Alex, and Michelle. Two of them were able to be at dinner. Two have lives elsewhere, but I'm lucky enough that they all live in the same state, and so I can see them, even after I move on a regular basis. These four ladies have all entered my life at different times over the last fourteen years. They all mean so much to me, and sitting there at dinner, I felt so humbled to be surrounded by such amazing people who loved me enough to brave freezing temperatures, and downpours to wish me well. I wrote Alex & Lauren a card to tell them each how much they meant to me. When Lauren read it, she cried. I nearly joined. And as we all hugged and made it know that this was not "goodbye", just a "see you soon," I put on a brave face and got in my car. And I listened to music and pondered on my drive home. I got pretty choked up as so many memories came flooding back. I was happy, but tears soon began streaming down my face. I'll always remember my time here fondly. Who knows, maybe one day life will lead me back to this place. For now, I'll choose to be hopeful, and that a year from now I'll be surrounded by old friends and some new ones. I'll have settled in, and even though I won't replace any of these wonderful people, I'll have new places to eat on Sunday nights, and someone to call and go to the movies with on a moment's notice. I will embrace the ambiguity of what is to come. It's scary & exhilarating all at once. Tomorrow is my final day here. I'm determined to make it a good one.

Good night,

Miss L.A.

February 9, 2010: Letting go

This week is already starting to fly by too quickly. That's the way it always seems to go when you have to say goodbye. The weeks drag by when you take time for granted, but when you are trying to savor every moment, they're gone in the blink of an eye.

I'm trying to finish up all my last minute projects at work. It seems that my company is living my the same mantra I am, as I got several new projects assigned to be yesterday, including designing and implementing a workflow before I leave. Sure, I can do that in four days! I am Super Woman after all :) I can't complain, it's one more thing I can add to the skills section of my resume.

The highlight of my day was having lunch with my old coworker. This fabulous woman was the first person I worked with at my very first editing job out of college. She took me under her wing, and helped me love my job. She's a sheer delight. It was great to catch up on her life and see her looking so fabulous. She left the educational publishing field to become a college professor. All I can say is that if I had taken her class in college, she would have been my favorite prof. I can only imagine how much fun she makes Children's Literature and Reading Comprehension. And yes, I took both of those classes. I was a bonified nerd, and an English major in college. It's something I don't like to reveal, as I feel like people will start scouring my posts for grammatical errors! I tend to make mistakes when I write late at night, which is exactly when I write all of my posts. All that being said, this lovely lady helped me reinforce all of my editorial skills, and made me realize what a blessing it is to work with nice people in your job. Even with the tremendous pressures of deadlines, and error-free administrations, she made my first job such a pleasant experience.

After work, I was going to go have dinner with L&G, but sadly, the proper ingredients were not removed from the freezer in time, so we had to cancel. That's ok, it gave me a good opportunity to go get a few cards for some of my closest friends, and have some much needed down time.

Unfortunately, the down time lead to me thinking about my departure, which lead to a full on tear fest. Pete called, and needless to say our talk included lots of discussion about my impending move, which made me overwhelmingly sad. And even though I'm excited about the move, it brought out all of the feelings I've been holding back for the last year. It was like I could finally let go. You see, I'm the "strong one" in my family. I'm the oldest child, and I've always been the person who is supposed to hold it all together. And even when my entire world crumbled last year, I held it together. I think I stopped and really cried a total of four times. In an entire year. And even though I know it's not healthy to do that, I did it because I've trained myself to not fall apart. And so here I am on the brink of the hardest move of my life, and I let all those held in emotions go. I let myself be sad and vulnerable. I embraced the feelings of sadness over leaving my friends, fear over not having a job, anxiety over living with my family for an indefinite period of time, and loneliness because I may not have many friends when I move. And I tried to share these feelings with Pete, and he just didn't understand them. He tried to tell me that I was thinking about it in the wrong way. And I knew where he was coming from, but I just wanted him to listen. And even though I know that men have this innate desire to fix everything, I wanted him to understand that I didn't need him to fix it.

When we got off the phone, I cried even more because I felt like I'd pushed him away, and on top of all the other feelings I was processing, it made me even more sad. I like this guy. For whatever reason that may be, I care for him. And I want him to see the fabulous person that I am, and not the mess that I appeared to be last night. I'm not a mess, I'm just a girl in the midst of a huge like change, and I have so many conflicting feelings about it. And as much as I know that's normal, I'd really like to hear it from someone else.

And so, after I finally got the release of emotion that I so desperately needed, I slept. And it was the first night of solid sleep that I've had in weeks. I woke up to a new day, and a new outlook. I know that things will be alright, and I can still be the girl that is strong in the face of uncertainty.

~ Miss L.A.

January 28, 2010: 'Twas a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

I have to start this post out by talking about someone else's day. Because even though my day wasn't great, my dear, dear friend experienced the worst pain of life, losing a child. Kate and I have been friends for twenty years. She's a person I've looked up to since the 4th grade. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's witty, and she's the sweetest spirit you'll ever meet. She has the most rock solid faith of just about any woman I've ever met. She lost her baby today. The sweet angel was born and lived for two precious hours on this earth. When I got the news my heart just broke. I can't imagine how she and her husband must feel. It's a helpless feeling to see your friend in pain and not be able to do anything to repair it. I've been praying for sweet Kate all day today, and I will hold her and her sweet baby in my heart always.

Needless to say even after I had an awful morning, hearing that news gave me some perspective. I know that all things, no matter how bad they seem can always be worse. And for whatever reason things happen, they do, and you can't let the bad things keep you down. When you're broken, you can't stay broken. You've got to put in some effort to glue the pieces back together.

And so I sit here broken. I'm broken from my relationship that turned into a terrible web of lies. I'm broken from the impending loss of my job. Broken from the fact that all too soon I'll be leaving my city to move back home to be closer to my family. Broken from the fact that I feel like I've lost most of my friends because it seems like bad news follows me around. I hate calling anyone anymore because I just know that they think, Gee, I wonder what else could have happened to her now? Deep down I hope that my real friends don't really feel that way, but my insecurities repeatedly make me feel otherwise. Ultimately, I'm ready to share some good news. Even though I'd say I'm happy, I want to be back to the old me that couldn't ever stop smiling, who always had her glass half full, and who was the ultimate optimist. I miss that version of myself. I haven't seen her in a while and I'm ready to put her back on display and make sure she never leaves again.

So, it's time to pack all the baggage up (literally and figuratively) and get back on that path. I'm ready to see what's around the next bend :)

Ciao,

Miss L.A.

January 21, 2010: rest and recover

So I was once again confined to the house today as I'm still contagious with strep throat. I slept on and off throughout the day, only to read or watch a bit of a movie when I was awake. I've had ice cream and gatorade for the last two days and could really use some actual food pretty soon. I'm going to work tomorrow no matter how I feel, so let's hope I can make it through my meeting with the CEO in one piece. Hey if the meeting turns nasty, maybe I can just hope that they catch strep from me :)

One of my dear friends Paul called to cheer me up this evening, and we chatted until I was too tired to speak. Paul and I have been friends for five years. He lives in the East, and we've had a long and at times complicated relationship. Paul and I met on a dating site when I first graduated from college. The membership was a gift from my parents as they thought I could use some help meeting people after I moved to a new city. Somehow Paul and I got matched even though we live in different parts of the country. We emailed, talked, and finally met about a year into our friendship. There is definitely chemisry there, but neither of us could ever imagine moving that far to give us a real shot. He's so incredibly dear to me. He makes me laugh, he's intelligent, opinionated, loves his friends and family, he loves his routines, and he apologizes to no one. He tells the best stories of anyone I know. In a perfect world, we'd definitely give it a go, but I'll settle for his friendship anyday. I can't imagine a day going by without talking to Paul. He was pretty sick last year, and for a while I was worried. I even considered flying up to be with him for a major surgery he went through. I'd do anything for the man, but I don't think he will ever know how much I care about him. In my heart I just hope he knows.

So after our conversation, I went and appropriately medicated myself with my various prescriptions in order to get a good night's sleep. I'm ready for a relaxing weekend. I'm going to concentrate on rest and the job search. Let's hope that this time next month, I'll be settled into a new city with wonderful possibilities and beginnings waiting for me.

Ciao,

Miss L.A.

P.S. I also added a few items on my blog. I added a link to donate to the Red Cross for the Haiti disaster. These people's lives are worse than any of the poorest people in our own country. Please consider giving anything you can afford. Every little bit helps.

I also added links to support my family members who've lost or are currently battling cancer. My aunt is currently undergoing treatment for Ovarian cancer. This is a hard disease to discover, so read up ladies. Knowing the symptoms could save a life.

Colon cancer research is also a cause I really support. I've lost my grandfather, an ex-boyfriend, and a dear friend's mother to this disease. If you have a history, get a colonoscopy done. Encourage anyone you know over 50 to get this done yearly. You might save their life.

I've lost too many people in my life to cancer. I hope that we find a cure in my lifetime. Just remember that whatever you can do helps. Please leave me a comment if you'd like anymore information about these causes.

I'll climb off my soap box now. Thanks for listening!

January 14th, 2010

I woke up this morning and just felt "off". And then it hit me. It had been a year ago that I had to do the unthinkable. A year since my family had been shattered. A year since he left us in a tragic, horrible ending. And my heart broke all over again for my sister, and my nephews, and his family. There was an accident, and then the ICU, and doctor's reports, and tears, and machines, and hugs, and pictures, and stories, and then he was gone. And I had to tell my nephews that he was never coming back. And it broke my heart into so many pieces that I'm sure I won't ever get some of them back. And I had to be strong for her. I couldn't break down, because she needed me to hold her up. And I sang to honor him, even though the song nearly broke me right there. And sometimes I wonder what would have happened had he still been here, but I realize that he touched all of our lives in the way he was meant to.

And even after remembering all that pain, I pushed through the day. It was hectic, and emotionally draining, and I was worried about my aunt all day as she began chemo treatments to poison her body to kill the cancer that's been trying to eat away at her. It was hard to complete the tasks at work knowing that I am going to leave this place soon. How can you put your all into a place that doesn't have a place for you anymore? I guess that's why layoffs are a sudden thing. Once you know you're leaving, it's hard to care anymore.

Here I am trying to care, trying to work hard, and help everyone succeed. But I'm trying to decide where I'm headed, and what and where I really want to be. This road may be a long one. Let's just hope that it can only improve from here.

January 7th: Better late than never

So I sort of fell into bed last night without writing. Darn BCS National Championship game. I am a woman who has a real love for football, whether I even like either team playing. I'm always sad when the final game in college football is played for the season. I wasn't really routing for either team last night, but I was really sad to see the QB from Texas get hurt. (And yes, I know his name, but remember I don't use names in this blog!). And the poor freshman who had to come in and replace him. Talk about pressure. Props to him for coming together in the third quarter.

So enough about football. Yesterday was all in all a good day. I had a good project to work on at the office. I actually got to use some of my brain matter and the day flew by nicely. I was excited to go over to my friends' house, the ever so funny Mags. She always lightens the mood with her office stories and general banter about life.

I felt like I was getting a little old when I was so tired that I just wanted the game to end so I could go home. That was a long drive home on the coldest night of the year. Little did I know that I when I got home and innocently checked my email that I would be greeted by correspondence from the man who nearly ruined my life. We'll call him DB, or dirt bag.

A synopsis on DB: We met in January 2009. A few meetings for coffee here and there. He seemed charming, shared a love for music, was highly intelligent, well traveled, and very polite. He loved wine, good restaurants, was religious, had a good relationship with his parents, had friends, loved sports, and was mildly funny. He seemed like a good guy. My friends approved, he brought me flowers, showered me with gifts, and was happy with taking things slow. DB seemed perfect. And with much of the rest of my world crumbling about me, he was a rock in a time when I needed it. Looking back now, I see many of the flaws I should have caught. He was jealous a little too early; he glossed over too many important questions that I brushed off as being coy. When he surprised me with a vacation just a couple of months in, I was thrilled. I should have been more suspect. We began to fight, he got more jealous, but he was putting up with all my life crises, so I thought this was ok. In the midst of all of this my roommate moved out. And one of my very oldest friends, Scott, moved to my city. Scott and I had been friends for twenty years. We would NEVER be romantically involved. Being that he'd already dated not one, but two of my best friends, I knew things about him that I shouldn't have. Scott decided he would move in with me. Needless to say, in the middle of our romantic vacation, DB decided to let me know that if that were to happen, we were through. So, because I was so broken down, after the death of two members of my immediate family, and my ex-boyfriend all in the first 4 months of the year, I relented. I let DB move in with me. And then the bottom slowly began to crack. Things in my life were still pretty chaotic. DB would always come through with just the right thing to keep me hanging on. He paid to have my demo recorded in the late spring. It of course coincided with the day of my ex-boyfriend, turned dear friend's wedding. It was "the only day the studio was available." That, much like most things that he told me, was a lie. Then my birthday rolled around. I was starting to have some weird feelings about DB. Certain stories would come up that just didn't add up. I loved him, but deep down had concerns. He surprised me with a scavenger hunt for my actual birthday. I ended up at the spot of our first date. When I got there, my stomach dropped. I realized that he was going to propose. There I stood while he got down on his knee and recited his well-rehearsed speech. Any stranger would have thought it so sweet. It felt forced, but then again, what do you tell a man when he's gone to such trouble and you think you love him. You say yes. Yet when I said that little word, I could feel my heart screaming inside.

And then the bottom completely fell out. I came home one afternoon soon after the engagement. I'd told DB that I wanted to be engaged for eighteen months since our relationship was still very new. He would try to get me to move the wedding up. We'd even gotten a realtor and had begun looking at houses. My friends all still seemed happy for me, but I could tell that several of them weren't over the moon. I got home from work one day and DB was acting odd. He had fallen and hit his head earlier in the week and had a mild concussion. I thought it was due to that. He became very angry and proceeded to storm out of the house. I noticed he had been drinking, and begged him to calm down. He left anyway. I called his father, a policeman, and drove out to find him. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch. He immediately charged at the car. The window was down, and he grabbed my arm through the door. I flung the door open and bolted for the house. I slammed the door and locked it. I frantically called his father again, and he said he'd be there in less than 5 minutes. DB began pounding on the door. And then he broke it off the hinges. And I went into survival mode. I threw all my weight into the door. And even after he broke a huge hole in the door and was trying to rip me through it, I fought. His dad got there just in time. He took me inside and calmed me down. I had to bolt my door back on the frame using 2x4s from the garage. My dog escaped during the ordeal, and thankfully I found her. I was scared, alone, and shaken to my core.

That's when the light went off. I began to piece all the lies together.

DB came crawling to our door the next day and apologized. I didn't really know what to do at this point because I was so scared of him. I knew if I tried to kick him out, he'd try to kill me. And so I did the unthinkable. I lived with him for another 3 weeks while I dug through his life and discovered that the man I lived with and was engaged to was a complete fraud. I listened to the still, small voice of wisdom inside of me and did a thorough background check on DB. It turns out that wasn't even his real name. It had been changed, along with that of his entire family. And then I found his marriage certificate. It turned out that his ex-girlfriend was actually his ex-wife. And she went to my church. So, doing what any brave woman in this situation would do, I called her. And she actually called me back. And we met for coffee. In my heart, I knew what would come next. She had never changed her name after the divorce. I prayed that I wasn't right, but when she arrived, she came with the photos of the small child. And I wept. He had verbally and emotionally abused his wife and left her when she was pregnant. And he had nothing to do with the baby. And as I sat in shock across the table, and she produced copies of all the court documents, I became more and more terrified of my safety. She unraveled all of his lies. He lied about his family, his schooling, his jobs, his cars; his entire life story was an ENTIRE lie. And I felt like a fool.

And so I hatched an escape plan. I contacted my mom, my landlord, and three very close friends. I planned my speech. I arranged for several people to be there. I packed a bag while he wasn't home, and I took enough things to a friend's house where he would never know I'd be. I arranged for a new door to be installed, and I had a friend keep my dog. I had to live in the same house with this evil stranger for 10 more days until my new door could be installed. I had no way of protecting my belongings or getting the locks changed before then. Those were some of the worst days of my life.

The day came for me to tell him. I went home like most days. I went in the house. I told him we needed to talk and then I told him that I knew about the wife and child. I unraveled his web of stories piece by piece. And then I took off my engagement ring and threw it in his face. I told him to gather a few things and leave. I explained that I would pack any of his other belongings in boxes and leave them on the curb. His friends or family could come get them, but that if he ever came near my property I would have him arrested. My landlord was there to back me up. It didn't hurt that he's 6' 5" and weighs at least 250. He went into a frenzy and proceeded to attempt to swallow an entire bottle of aspirin and half a bottle of vodka. And he drove off. He left owing me money, my pride, my tender heart, and any love I had left. I decided that the money wasn't worth it if I wanted to recapture any of the other things he took from me.

And so after many letters and calls, I changed my numbers, addresses, websites; everything that could be revamped, was. My mail is now forwarded to my new location, and he's thankfully not been able to track me down. It's been 5 1/2 months since I walked out the door. Things have gotten a little easier everyday. He's the main reason that my 2009 was such a disaster. That and losing so many people I loved. I wake up every morning and thank God that I read all those Nancy Drew books as a child and that I had enough sense to listen to my reservations and actually dig into his past. My mom tells me that I saved myself, but I know it was divine intervention.

It will take me a long time to trust someone again. I don't know if I'll ever date a complete stranger. I like knowing where people come from after all that I went through. I do know that I have never been happier than when the final seconds of 2009 ticked away. I'm just glad that after all this time, I can finally write about my experience. I sincerely hope that if anyone reads this and is spared a similar fate, I'll be glad that I shared my story.

And so it begins ...

Today is the last day of 2009. I'm closing the first decade of my life that I feel I have real memories of in its entirety. I was 18 years old on December 31, 1999, and a freshman in college. Life has changed quite a bit since then. I sat back and thought about many of those changes, some good, some not so good. I think I had an entirely different outlook on life than I do standing here today. I've changed for the better. I've become an independent woman who doesn't just regurgitate the feelings and beliefs of my family or closest friends. I stand by my mantras and don't apologize for them anymore.

The first year and the last year of this decade have many similarities. Both share big changes and tragedies. Both share a sense of being on the brink of something new and exciting. This year, these changes seem much less nerve wracking than they did back in 1999.

I've decided to write about each day of my year in 2010. I want to be able to look back at this year of changes and embrace each victory and disappointment and gauge how I tackled each one. I don't expect my writing to be profound, or even exciting, but it it a project I feel inspired to complete, and I hope that it will give some people a chance to get to know me a little better. You may start to love me more, or even dislike me a little, but I won't be apologizing to anyone. I'm loud, I'm opinionated, and I'm a twenty-something single woman who is ready to swing my bat at whatever pitch is thrown at me next. So, sit back and feel free to join me on my journey. I'm excited to see what this year holds!