A new decade

I am officially 30. It was a weird feeling waking up this morning and realizing that there was a new number at the front of my age. And as much as I had dreaded this day, when it arrived I embraced it with ease, and I'm starting to feel really happy about it. Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm getting a fresh start, like my life if just beginning. I opened my email this morning and found some mail from Allison, my BFF/college roommate. She sent me a "belated" card, even though we had celebrated the weekend before when I went to see her/the hubs. What I found was the sweetest thing. I've attached it below. I read the first few lines and started tearing up; half way through the tears were streaming.

On top of this note, my friends did so many wonderful things. Like the fact that my other BFF not only made me a lovely homemade dinner and birthday cake, but she had her three-year-old son sing to me. And when that wasn't enough to make me cry, she wrapped a gift for me to open every day of my birthday week, beginning with chocolate covered pretzels and Diet Coke, which we snacked on all the way to Cape Cod, Mass the summer of 2000. We claimed Wilson Phillips, "Hold On For One More Day" as our theme song, and to this day it always brings a smile. And tucked inside every gift that I unwrapped this week was another sweet note about how this would be the best decade yet. 

At dinner on Saturday, my friends showered me with laughter, drinks, fajitas, balloons, cake, and so many lovely gifts, including tickets to see Adele in October! I feel so incredibly blessed to begin a new phase of my life when I know that I am surrounded by so many people who are in my corner. (Even a phone call from Big couldn't bring me down!)

On Sunday, my actual birthday, I went to see Harry Potter and cried through most. It all seemed so poetic. I started reading HP in 2000; that year I started University as Harry started at Hogwarts. At the end of the movie/the books, he embarks into adulthood/life after Voldemort, closing several chapters in life. At the same time, I'm closing my twenties and hoping to embark on my next journey. It was bittersweet. I of course wish there was more Harry, but I look forward to sharing it with my children. 

Last night, Marie gave me a leather wrap bracelet that is inscribed with the perfect Bible verse: 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

This verse, and the encouragement of all my friends and family will carry me into my thirties. I have a feeling that if the last week is any indication of what's to come, it's going to be amazing!

Cheers,

The Battle of Loneliness

It's been one of those weeks. I think I've probably done a little too much thinking the past few days, but the only thing I could think to do was write about it, so here I am. It's hard for me to write on my blog sometimes, because I am scared of being too honest, but right now I just need an outlet for my real feelings, because I don't know if I've actually spoken those in a long time.


I think a lot of these feelings started when I moved in early 2010. Or if I'm really being honest, I think they started when I went through a terrible relationship back in the summer of 2009. I ended up breaking things off with a guy that completely ripped my world apart. And after that, I convinced myself that I was so ignorant for not seeing any of the red flags. I was stuck in a pattern of settling. And I started to realize that I had let the very act of settling, or the inability to say no seep into every area of my life—my job, my friends, my family. And I've been slowly reevaluating and cutting the bad spots out, one by one ever since.


Another recent change that may have triggered these feelings is that  I began working from home a few months ago. I literally go days at a time without seeing anyone that I actually know. I have a significant amount of time on my hands to think about my life, and what really matters to me. The thing is, it's gotten to be a very short list, and that frankly makes me very sad. I've always been an extremely outgoing person with many friends. I've realized that I have very few people who actually know me, the real me. I started to think about the people in my life who I truly love, and how much I really matter to them. I know there will likely be a lot of naysayers who read this and say, "Oh, everyone loves you." And yes, I know that people love me. But there is a difference in saying you love someone and actually feeling that you are loved and are important to others. 


So I started thinking about my real friends; the ones that really do love me for exactly who I am. The ones that will hang out with me in sweats and no makeup and have a glass of wine—or it's not a big deal if either of us pop in for a visit unexpectedly.  The ones that I have tough, honest conversations with. Many of my "friends" were just people from my past that don't really know anything about me anymore. In spite of this realization, I've continued to try to be open to my friendships, but it's left me feeling very lonely and made me take some very long hard looks in the mirror. If others don't know me, do I really know myself? 


The part of this journey that's been the hardest is that I'm not trying to permanently cut anyone out of my life or be malicious. I'm definitely not trying to make anyone feel like I don't care. It's just that because I'm a giving/loyal person, I've just felt empty lately. I can't be a half-friend; it's not in my nature. And because I had so many friends in my life, and never questioned what kind of relationship we actually had, I gave 100% to everyone. I ran out of giving. And I told several people this, and it wasn't well received. People felt like I was keeping score, or that had high expectations. And I wasn't trying to imply that at all. I just wanted my friends to see that everyone has a threshold. After the last few years, I've definitely reached mine. And I just need to fill up my tank for a while so that I can continue to be the kind of person that I know God wants me to be. The giver, the girl who always calls on your birthday, who sends cards, who takes last-minute road trips for important events, who will craft crazy things for your party/wedding/ baby shower, who volunteers for things, accepts most invitations even when I'm tired, and who wants to enjoy every moment of life. 


The other complicated piece to this puzzle? I understand that everyone has busy, complicated lives. Most of my friends are married, have kids, mortgages, successful careers, relatives all over the globe, and many hobbies. And I'm so happy for them because of these things. I just also realize that because they are so busy, that I can't expect the certain things from them. They are busy giving too. If I want to talk to one of my closest girlfriends, I have to worry about interrupting dinner, bath time with the baby, or that I'll wake their sleeping husband. Because of all of these changes, I deeply miss having someone who I have a real connection with. And I'm incredibly lonely—I said it—the word that I hate to say. But I am. I long to have that kind of love and fulfillment in my life that many of those around me have. 

Since Big and I broke up, I've had this gaping hole. I can't think of who to call with good news, bad news, or just random news; he was that person. I think about him all the time. We've talked a little, but I know that it only makes it harder for me to let go of my feelings for him. And when he calls on the day of his big fundraiser, it just makes me want to scream, "Why me? If I'm so important, why can't you just give us a real shot." Or I wish he'd say, "move to the East Coast." These are unrealistic thoughts. And I'm trying very hard to not think them anymore. I keep them to myself and I pray to God. And I know that only He can fill that hole, but it would also be nice if I could just stay busy enough that my mind wouldn't reel at times. 

I've also struggled with identifying with my friends. Part of me thinks that I've just assumed that everyone is  just like me for so long that I didn't realize that some of my friends and even people I meet are closed off from the world. And so when I try to talk to them, share with them, or do something that I think is helpful, they see it as the complete opposite. Some people find me overbearing. I'm honestly not trying to be. I'm just a genuinely friends person. And then things just get awkward. I keep hearing that life will continue to get easier with age, but I find myself questioning when that moment will come. When will I have the discernment to see these differences in others? 


For now, I'd really just like to meet some new people so that when I  really need to get out of the house, or get extra tickets to events, I can actually come up with someone to ask. I went to two large social events this weekend all alone. And even for someone who likes to talk, that's really scary. I stood at one event for almost an hour before anyone spoke to me. And when I tried to talk to people, they gave me looks like I was bothering them — or worse, that they felt sorry for me.


For now, I'm just hoping to kick some of this loneliness to the curb, and I'm hoping that my recent introspection will help me be a better friend, and know much earlier when it's just not going to work. I'm also hoping that I can feel God's reassurance that I am a lovely, wonderful woman, and that I don't need worldly confirmation to know these truths. 


On a final note, I know that this posts likely sounds like a pity party. I'm not asking for pity. I know that everyone feels like this sometimes. By all accounts I have nothing to complain about in my life. It's just that if you don't feel loved in your life, what do you have?


Cheers,

My first guest blog post

Please hop on over to my fabulous friend Sara's shoe blog: Pair Diem. I was honored to write a guest post on my lovely birthday shoes, thanks to Sara's gracious gift.

http://pairdiem.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/guest-post-leeannes-birthday-babies/

And you should all read her blog, and follow her on twitter at:
http://www.pairdiem.com/
www.twitter.com/SNCarpeaux

Cheers,

29 and fabulous ...

So Saturday was the beginning of what I'm declaring as the best year of my life. I had the absolute best birthday in recent memory. The day began with crab frittata, bellinis, and 3 of my favorite ladies, Joy, Marie, and baby Catherine. Shopping, a margarita, and getting my house ready for the party rounded out the day. My BFF Ally drove in from out of town and brought lemon blueberry cupcakes made from scratch. It doesn't get much better. I had dinner with a small group of close friends including Marie, Nicole, Ally, Sawyer and my favorite neighborhood wine bar. We went back to my adorable new casa to have cupcakes and a signature cocktail of raspberry vodka and lemonade. I was overwhelmed by how many of my friends, old and new, came out to celebrate the last year of my twenties. I truly feel blessed. I know that I made the right decision by moving back "home".

And what would one of my posts be without a little update about the men in my life? First, there's Mr. Big, formerly known as Paul. It has been decided that Paul most candidly represents the famous leading man from my favorite show SATC. If I could get paid for every time I'm compared to Carrie Bradshaw, I'd be a rich lady. I do love to write about my love life, what can I say? Big made several leading comments that he might appear on my doorstep for my birthday, but in true Mr. Big fashion, he simply changed his RSVP on the Evite from a maybe to a no, the day before. I was disappointed, but I've learned in true Carrie fashion, to never get your hopes up, til he walks through the door, from out of the rain.

Then there is George. He's an old friend come college who I ran into at the gym about six weeks ago. He lives in my neighborhood, and we've been enjoying each other's company. He came out for the big birthday celebration after working all day building a fence. Not only did he meet all my friends, but he bought them drinks, and flirted shamelessly with the birthday girl. Never a bad thing. We'll have to see where that goes.

Last but not least, there is Will. We met through mutual friends, and went to the same college. We have a gaggle of things in common, but alas he is leaving for vacation for several weeks abroad. He was getting ready for his big trip, and couldn't make it to the party, but took the time to let me know that he was sorry to miss the party and how much he is looking forward to getting to know me. Will and I have a pretty interesting story already, being that just a couple of weeks after we were introduced by our friends, we were matched on eHarmony. (Yes, I took the leap and joined eHarmony.) After much nudging from a dear friend who has had success, I decided to give it a try. So far, I've just begun getting to know a few men, but it's refreshing to meet men who actually seem to be ready for a relationship.

I truly believe that this is the beginning of a phenomenal year. And I'm honored that so many of you are joining me on my journey. Here's to 362 days until I begin the next decade of my life. I plan on going out on top.

Also, here's a picture from the big day.

Cheers,

Finally off the DL. (That's Disabled List, for you non-baseball fans.)

I can’t believe it’s been SO long since I’ve written. Well, thinking about what all I’ve accomplished since I last wrote on my blog, I guess I can understand. I’ve been a little busy. For once, I’ve been busy for really good reasons. In fact, I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and I’m finally starting to feel settled. It wouldn’t be the fabulous life of Miss L.A. though if there weren’t some interesting twists thrown in along the way, though. So, here are some highlights:


• I got a fantastic new job!

• I moved into a duplex in the neighborhood that I’ve wanted to live in since I was a little girl.

• I’ve made so many wonderful new friends.

• I’ve finally gotten back into a routine with a full social life!

• I lost 15 pounds. (Let’s shoot for even more!)

• I’ve been dating two great gentlemen. (More on that later!)

• I’ve been called on stage for an impromptu performance at a bar, and received a standing ovation.

• I helped my BFF, Alli, pick out her wedding dress.

• I took my first exam in over 8 years, and proved to still have great study skills by making an A! Because I passed, I’m a licensed insurance adjuster.



I’m still getting settled into my new life. The goal is to be completely unpacked and ready for a housewarming/birthday party in July. It’s the last year of my 20s, so I have to make it a good one! Thanks to my great friends, I’m winding down on the painting, and should be able to start decorating the walls and shelves very soon. It’s nice to have a full social calendar as an excuse to take my time. I’ve realized life is just too short to worry about getting completely settled into my place overnight. I’d rather enjoy time with my new friends, dates, and getting back into a solid routine, and take my time getting everything just like I want it. I’ll definitely post some pictures of the new place once it is all decorated. Thanks for reading after all this time. I’ll post tomorrow about the new men in my life. Just to peak your interest, I’ve got a handsome, trust-fund baby on one arm, and intelligent, witty, and adorable on the other. Which will I ever choose?

'Til tomorrow,

February 20-26, 2010: The best is yet to come!

So I'm going to have to cheat again and write about my last week. It's crazy how little time I have to write these day with job searching, meeting up with old friends, carpooling, cooking, errands, etc. Suffice it to say it's been a fantastic week. Highlights include:

• Getting offered a gig to perform at a theater in my hometown. A paid singing gig at last!
• Receiving a call about a fantastic job at a non-profit to work in publishing again!
• Cooking dinner with my nephews.
• Meeting several great women who live in my area.
• Finding and applying for several jobs that I'm very excited about.
• Seeing my mom and sister everyday.
• Hanging out with my college roommate, Leigh, and getting to laugh like old times again.
• Eating at my favorite pizza place with Ralph and other friends.
• Singing more than I have in years.
• Working on getting my set list together for music gigs.
• Getting in touch with so many old friends via Facebook and other networking.
• Being excited about waking up every morning to a new adventure.
• Talking to Paul on the phone and really investing in our relationship.

Overall, this week has been fantastic. I've had a bit of a head cold, but it's been so great to feel like things are really coming together. I'm so excited to see what is going to happen in my life over the next few months. So far 2010 is shaping up to be the best year of my life. Yay!

Ciao,

Miss L.A.