13 days...

So for many people, the idea of an impending birthday isn't a big deal. Some shrug it off, some revel in the excitement of party planning. I usually throw myself into the planning as a distraction, but as a writer I'm a natural over thinker. I over think the average event, such as which type of toothpaste to buy. (No, seriously, I sometimes read the labels on five boxes before I make a purchase.)


So at each birthday, I turn all thoughts inward and reflect on the last year of my life. You can imagine then, that as I close in on finishing an entire decade, I've expanded my usual week long diatribe into a full month. In some senses, I'm attempting to overhaul my life. I've been reading a book called Turning 30: How to Get the Life You Really Want. It's actually a really great read, and I wouldn't just recommend it for people with a big birthday looming. It's helped me determine the state of my life and what I really want out of it. So far the book has really helped put perspective on things, and I'm realizing that these feelings are very natural. Apparently most people go through this phase sometimes between the ages of 28 and 32. According to the book, most adults start to take life a little more seriously, or they try to milk out the remnants of their youth before they really have to "grow up."


Then there are people like me who start to question which side of the fence they fall on. I had a list of goals that I wanted for myself. I wanted to graduate from college. Check. I wanted to get my Masters degree. Nope. I wanted to have a stable, successful career. 50/50. I wanted to do what I love, 50/50. I wanted to be in a successful relationship. No check. I wanted to be considering or have started a family. No check. I wanted to own a house. No check. I wanted to have my debts paid off. 85/15. I wanted to have a better relationship with my family. 50/50. I wanted to take a vacation to a new place at least once a year, even if in the U.S. No check. I wanted to feel like I had given my very best to everything that I did. 50/50.


I look at this list, and I imagine my "ideal life" and it doesn't measure up. And so I've gotten really down on myself. I don't dwell on my past. In fact, for some of the things I've gone through, I miraculously rarely think about them anymore. It's just when I get into the writer's mode that I can't help but reflect on what lessons I should have learned, what things I would have done differently, and how I'm going to implement these lessons into my life going forward. 


So, what am I going to do? I want to start thinking more about my words. That seems like a very simple place to start, but the things that come out of my mouth, my blog, my tweets, my Facebook, and my actions, ultimately represent how others see me. I want to be positive. I want to be the sunshine version of Miss L.A. that I ultimately know I am at my core. I want to leave this world a better place. I want to count my blessings of what I have, and not focus on what I'm lacking. I want to celebrate small victories, and do more for others, and stop apologizing. I want to read my Bible more often and pray more. I want to be a Godly woman. Because ultimately, I know that if I'm living the life that Christ would have me live, I know the next decade will be even more than I can imagine. 


Do I want all of the things I listed above? Yes. I'd of course still love to have a put together life. I just know that God didn't put everyone on this Earth to be perfectly put together. He made some of us a little more messy and beautiful. He gave some of us louder personalities. He blended us all together in every color, nation, tribe and tongue so that we can wonder at his infinite imagination, creativity, and love. Because if He can love the people that are hard to love, why can't I? I'm hard to love. Why? Because I have flaws. And I sin. And I push people away, and I lack trust, and yet so many people still love me. And so as I embark on this new decade, I want to choose love. I want to choose it even when it's so impossibly hard to choose. I want to remember that I am not the judge, and that if I choose to look at everyone the way that Jesus does, I will see those "flaws" as fingerprints of individuality. I will realize that those fingerprints are just more reasons to encourage, and grow, and serve. Because only when the people in my life have faith in God, will they ever be able to get past any of the things that are truly holding them back in life.


How do I know this to be true? Because I was inspired to write this blog post. When I sat down to write this, I just knew their were things that God wanted me to say. And I wasn't sure what that was. But these are the things that I struggle with most. I hold myself to such high standards that I have forgotten how to love myself. I can't look at my flaws and see fingerprints of Jesus. I see things myself as broken, ugly, and bruised. And I'm none of those things. I may be knocked down, but I am NOT destroyed. God has forgiven every one of my sins and shortcomings, and GRACE saved me. I do not have to prove anything to Him. I do not have to earn His love. Will I show it? Of course, because true faith has fruits. A living thing cannot shrivel up and be forever dormant. If it is, it will eventually die. And so I will choose to bear my fruit. I will use my gifts. And I know that through study, prayer, and patience, focusing each day on what I can accomplish, while not dwelling on the past or future, I will ultimately be victorious. What will that be? Only He knows that. 


The truth that I hold to the most is found in my very favorite verse in the Bible. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 


If that isn't a promise of a wonderful future, I don't know what is. If my dreams are so conceivably wonderful,  can I even begin to imagine what He has in store that is so marvelous that I can't comprehend it? That trust somehow makes all those broken, rough, rocky paths worth the lessons, struggles, heartache, and growth. Because God is ultimately preparing me and my heart for my perfect future. And I think that the realization of that and the peace that it brings will be the best birthday gift that I'll receive.


Now if I can only repeat that over the next couple of weeks. It may be tougher to swallow than I'd like, but I'll just keep repeating, "it's only a number."


Blessings, 

The Battle of Loneliness

It's been one of those weeks. I think I've probably done a little too much thinking the past few days, but the only thing I could think to do was write about it, so here I am. It's hard for me to write on my blog sometimes, because I am scared of being too honest, but right now I just need an outlet for my real feelings, because I don't know if I've actually spoken those in a long time.


I think a lot of these feelings started when I moved in early 2010. Or if I'm really being honest, I think they started when I went through a terrible relationship back in the summer of 2009. I ended up breaking things off with a guy that completely ripped my world apart. And after that, I convinced myself that I was so ignorant for not seeing any of the red flags. I was stuck in a pattern of settling. And I started to realize that I had let the very act of settling, or the inability to say no seep into every area of my life—my job, my friends, my family. And I've been slowly reevaluating and cutting the bad spots out, one by one ever since.


Another recent change that may have triggered these feelings is that  I began working from home a few months ago. I literally go days at a time without seeing anyone that I actually know. I have a significant amount of time on my hands to think about my life, and what really matters to me. The thing is, it's gotten to be a very short list, and that frankly makes me very sad. I've always been an extremely outgoing person with many friends. I've realized that I have very few people who actually know me, the real me. I started to think about the people in my life who I truly love, and how much I really matter to them. I know there will likely be a lot of naysayers who read this and say, "Oh, everyone loves you." And yes, I know that people love me. But there is a difference in saying you love someone and actually feeling that you are loved and are important to others. 


So I started thinking about my real friends; the ones that really do love me for exactly who I am. The ones that will hang out with me in sweats and no makeup and have a glass of wine—or it's not a big deal if either of us pop in for a visit unexpectedly.  The ones that I have tough, honest conversations with. Many of my "friends" were just people from my past that don't really know anything about me anymore. In spite of this realization, I've continued to try to be open to my friendships, but it's left me feeling very lonely and made me take some very long hard looks in the mirror. If others don't know me, do I really know myself? 


The part of this journey that's been the hardest is that I'm not trying to permanently cut anyone out of my life or be malicious. I'm definitely not trying to make anyone feel like I don't care. It's just that because I'm a giving/loyal person, I've just felt empty lately. I can't be a half-friend; it's not in my nature. And because I had so many friends in my life, and never questioned what kind of relationship we actually had, I gave 100% to everyone. I ran out of giving. And I told several people this, and it wasn't well received. People felt like I was keeping score, or that had high expectations. And I wasn't trying to imply that at all. I just wanted my friends to see that everyone has a threshold. After the last few years, I've definitely reached mine. And I just need to fill up my tank for a while so that I can continue to be the kind of person that I know God wants me to be. The giver, the girl who always calls on your birthday, who sends cards, who takes last-minute road trips for important events, who will craft crazy things for your party/wedding/ baby shower, who volunteers for things, accepts most invitations even when I'm tired, and who wants to enjoy every moment of life. 


The other complicated piece to this puzzle? I understand that everyone has busy, complicated lives. Most of my friends are married, have kids, mortgages, successful careers, relatives all over the globe, and many hobbies. And I'm so happy for them because of these things. I just also realize that because they are so busy, that I can't expect the certain things from them. They are busy giving too. If I want to talk to one of my closest girlfriends, I have to worry about interrupting dinner, bath time with the baby, or that I'll wake their sleeping husband. Because of all of these changes, I deeply miss having someone who I have a real connection with. And I'm incredibly lonely—I said it—the word that I hate to say. But I am. I long to have that kind of love and fulfillment in my life that many of those around me have. 

Since Big and I broke up, I've had this gaping hole. I can't think of who to call with good news, bad news, or just random news; he was that person. I think about him all the time. We've talked a little, but I know that it only makes it harder for me to let go of my feelings for him. And when he calls on the day of his big fundraiser, it just makes me want to scream, "Why me? If I'm so important, why can't you just give us a real shot." Or I wish he'd say, "move to the East Coast." These are unrealistic thoughts. And I'm trying very hard to not think them anymore. I keep them to myself and I pray to God. And I know that only He can fill that hole, but it would also be nice if I could just stay busy enough that my mind wouldn't reel at times. 

I've also struggled with identifying with my friends. Part of me thinks that I've just assumed that everyone is  just like me for so long that I didn't realize that some of my friends and even people I meet are closed off from the world. And so when I try to talk to them, share with them, or do something that I think is helpful, they see it as the complete opposite. Some people find me overbearing. I'm honestly not trying to be. I'm just a genuinely friends person. And then things just get awkward. I keep hearing that life will continue to get easier with age, but I find myself questioning when that moment will come. When will I have the discernment to see these differences in others? 


For now, I'd really just like to meet some new people so that when I  really need to get out of the house, or get extra tickets to events, I can actually come up with someone to ask. I went to two large social events this weekend all alone. And even for someone who likes to talk, that's really scary. I stood at one event for almost an hour before anyone spoke to me. And when I tried to talk to people, they gave me looks like I was bothering them — or worse, that they felt sorry for me.


For now, I'm just hoping to kick some of this loneliness to the curb, and I'm hoping that my recent introspection will help me be a better friend, and know much earlier when it's just not going to work. I'm also hoping that I can feel God's reassurance that I am a lovely, wonderful woman, and that I don't need worldly confirmation to know these truths. 


On a final note, I know that this posts likely sounds like a pity party. I'm not asking for pity. I know that everyone feels like this sometimes. By all accounts I have nothing to complain about in my life. It's just that if you don't feel loved in your life, what do you have?


Cheers,

29 and fabulous ...

So Saturday was the beginning of what I'm declaring as the best year of my life. I had the absolute best birthday in recent memory. The day began with crab frittata, bellinis, and 3 of my favorite ladies, Joy, Marie, and baby Catherine. Shopping, a margarita, and getting my house ready for the party rounded out the day. My BFF Ally drove in from out of town and brought lemon blueberry cupcakes made from scratch. It doesn't get much better. I had dinner with a small group of close friends including Marie, Nicole, Ally, Sawyer and my favorite neighborhood wine bar. We went back to my adorable new casa to have cupcakes and a signature cocktail of raspberry vodka and lemonade. I was overwhelmed by how many of my friends, old and new, came out to celebrate the last year of my twenties. I truly feel blessed. I know that I made the right decision by moving back "home".

And what would one of my posts be without a little update about the men in my life? First, there's Mr. Big, formerly known as Paul. It has been decided that Paul most candidly represents the famous leading man from my favorite show SATC. If I could get paid for every time I'm compared to Carrie Bradshaw, I'd be a rich lady. I do love to write about my love life, what can I say? Big made several leading comments that he might appear on my doorstep for my birthday, but in true Mr. Big fashion, he simply changed his RSVP on the Evite from a maybe to a no, the day before. I was disappointed, but I've learned in true Carrie fashion, to never get your hopes up, til he walks through the door, from out of the rain.

Then there is George. He's an old friend come college who I ran into at the gym about six weeks ago. He lives in my neighborhood, and we've been enjoying each other's company. He came out for the big birthday celebration after working all day building a fence. Not only did he meet all my friends, but he bought them drinks, and flirted shamelessly with the birthday girl. Never a bad thing. We'll have to see where that goes.

Last but not least, there is Will. We met through mutual friends, and went to the same college. We have a gaggle of things in common, but alas he is leaving for vacation for several weeks abroad. He was getting ready for his big trip, and couldn't make it to the party, but took the time to let me know that he was sorry to miss the party and how much he is looking forward to getting to know me. Will and I have a pretty interesting story already, being that just a couple of weeks after we were introduced by our friends, we were matched on eHarmony. (Yes, I took the leap and joined eHarmony.) After much nudging from a dear friend who has had success, I decided to give it a try. So far, I've just begun getting to know a few men, but it's refreshing to meet men who actually seem to be ready for a relationship.

I truly believe that this is the beginning of a phenomenal year. And I'm honored that so many of you are joining me on my journey. Here's to 362 days until I begin the next decade of my life. I plan on going out on top.

Also, here's a picture from the big day.

Cheers,

The good, the bad, the ugly

So again I'm writing an apology. I've been awful about writing, but it's because I'm hitting the streets full on for good material, or at least that's what I think. Since moving back in February, I've hit the dating scene full force. I've been a bit discouraged as of late.

I think there are several factors playing into this. First, several of my friends have gone through completely unexpected divorces in the past year. These aren't people you would ever expect to deal with these sort of awful situations. I'm talking cheating, pregnancies with their mistress, lying, leaving out of the blue, stealing wedding rings, AWFUL type stuff. I've watched four spectacular people all get their hearts ripped out by people they love, trusted, and had children with.

Second, I've gone out with some real gems lately. First there was a guy I'll call TF, short for trust fund. He's comes from old family money, and at age 35, has never even purchased his own vehicle. These are facts that came out in month three of our dating relationship. Let's suffice it to say that after he stood me up for a rendezvous with the boys for some less than moral activities, I kicked him to the curb. Then there was Holden. He seemed great. He was smart, witty, well read, sociable, and had so many things in common with me it was eery. After dating for a month and a half, he told me that I was "fantastic, interesting and he couldn't wait to spend his summer with me." That was a month ago, and I haven't heard from his since.

After beating myself up one night with my good friends Cal and Dee over several glasses of wine, they told me that I was a strong woman for continuing to put myself out there in spite of running into obstacles. Cal wisely explained that I am willing to be vulnerable in order to find love. I willingly do this because I know that I am going to have to go through some not so great men before I find someone who is worth all my time, energy, and love. I keep telling myself that going through all the bad apples will be worth it one day.

Some days are harder than others. At times I'm so frustrated by guys that I just want to give up. I'm completely fine being single. My life is awesome. I have a good job, I have great friends, a nice house, and I'm successful and talented. I don't need a man in my life, but I want to share my life with one. I honestly don't feel that God would put a desire in my heart to meet someone and settle down if it wasn't supposed to happen. And so, as I am about to embark on year 29, I'm committed to finding love this year. REAL love. And I hope to entertain all of my readers as I attempt this. Thanks for reading.

Ciao,

March 1 - 11, 2010: Missing in Action

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's just been so hard for me to find any time to sit down in a quiet place a write. By the time I have a few minutes, I'm exhausted. Life has been really great though. I spent lots of time cooking and cleaning for my family. Applied for several cool jobs, and had a few calls and interviews, I went back to my old hometown to see friends, and I am in the process of interviewing/auditioning people for the band I'm forming. Not too shabby on my time management. I've gotten time to relax, and focus on what I really want out of life. I got to spend some really great time with Michelle, my oldest BFF, and it was so great to see her in full mom mode, and just how much she sacrifices for her husband, baby, and baby-on-the-way. Because of her and everyone in my life, I think my perspectives have changed a bit in the last month.

I am finally realizing how much I care about the people in my life, and how I really want music to be the thing that I give back to this world. I don't think I've ever given myself enough time to explore my talents, and I've realized that life is too short to not do what you love and were born to do. I've also realized that I would really love to be a wife and mother. I'm not sure if either of those are in the cards for me, but I at least hope a successful relationship with a wonderful man can be fit in somewhere down the road. If there is no baby, I can live vicariously through those around me :)

This weekend I'm going on a mini road trip to see some of my favorite people. Ally, Wes, and a few others sprinkled in between. I'm going to hear great music, eat good food, see amazing art, and mingle with new people. I know it will be good to get away for a few days and feel like a normal single lady again. The house mom thing can make me feel a little old at times!

So, for now I'm signing off. I promise to write another entry when I return. Thanks to everyone who reads about my life. I know that it should get more interesting again soon!

~ Miss L.A.

February 14, 2010: Happy Valentine's Day!

That's right, it's Valentine's Day and I'm smiling. And I'm single. I know that this day isn't a very good holiday. I know it's overpriced, commercialized, and a day that many people's expectations and reality never sync. But even after all I've been through, heck, even after my awful dinner last night, I still believe in love.

Today I got to spend Valentine's Day with the people I love the most, my family. And nothing says love more than your mom and sister clearing space in their closets for your clothes :) And my nephews made me valentines and gave me pink carnations. And when I called Paul and he wanted to know if he could be a candidate for my Valentine. I told him he won as my Valentine. That made him pretty happy. And it made me even happier to know that all that it takes for me to smile is a man answering the phone and saying, "I was hoping it would be you on the phone." I felt wanted. And that was the best gift of all. No cards, no chocolates, and no flowers (at least from someone I actually love.) Just a man who wasn't afraid to tell me that he's overjoyed every time he hears my voice. If that isn't what love is, then I might not know anything about it.

I hope you all had a fabulous Valentine's Day and spent it with people you loved.

~ Miss L.A.

February 12, 2010: Farewell, part 2

So Friday was supposed to be cathartic. Instead, it all seemed to be filled with tension. Not so much by me, but everyone around me. Meetings, requests, purging, no lunch, last minute phone calls, and goodbyes. At one point during my day, I had to actually stop and say a prayer. I had this overwhelming feeling that this whole thing was a huge mistake. Maybe everyone needs me because I'm supposed to stay? I literally asked for a sign. I never ask for signs. Not because I don't believe in them, but because those kind of blatantly obvious things don't happen to me. I'm pretty sure God is continually trying to teach me how to be still, listen, and just be patient. For one brief moment, he gave me the obvious sign I needed.

One of my firm's new clients has been coming in the last few weeks for meetings. I've been on the phone each time he's come in, but he's always been polite, said hello, and always remembers my name. I just recently realized how important that is to me. It's very flattering when someone who has only met you once, and even heard your name one time, remembers it the next time they see you. It makes you feel like you actually matter to others. So, this client comes in, and I've literally just prayed this prayer in the past 5 minutes. He brings in a package of stuff for this advisor, and then hands me a sticker. It reads, "I am awesome." At the bottom, it has his website. He explains that he heard me mention that I was moving to a new city, and he "just had this feeling" that I could use a reminder that I'm awesome. He goes on to wish me well with my move. He smiles, I say thank you, trying to pick my jaw up off the desk. When he leaves, I check out this website. I get chills when I read this story. It turns out he is a motivational speaker who's entire premise is to teach people to follow their dreams. He too made a huge life move, quitting his job to follow his passion. I'm reading the story, and all I can think is see, you are making the right decision.

Before I even realize, I'm emailing this guy back to share my story with him. I explain that I feel like I've been settling in my life and that after all the bad things that happened to me over the last year, I felt like I was wasting all my talents. I don't use them at work, I don't sing enough, I don't get to be there for my family, and I just felt stagnant. I spilled the fact that I want to sing more than anything in the world, and how I'll do anything to make that happen. I sold half my stuff, have packed and lived out of boxes, and I'm now moving back to the place that scares me the most because I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. I thank this stranger for giving me a gift that may have seemed so insignificant, but gave me the courage that I've needed for months.

I send the email without hesitation. I don't expect to get a response, but I wanted to this man to know that he made my day. I go about my business and soon the phone rings. It's him. He calls to tell me that he is blown away by my email. He wants to talk to me more about my move, and asks if he can stop back by and give me a few more things. I am humbled, and agree. Again, for someone who has never even met me until a few days ago, his kindness is immeasurable. Just before it's time for me to leave, he drops in. T-shirt, pamphlet, DVD, and other tchotckes in hand, he shares more of his story. He thanks me again for the email and asks me to keep him posted on how things go. I'm inspired. I am elated. I feel blessed and on the verge of something great.

After he leaves, I say my goodbyes to my coworkers. It's bittersweet. I know that I will be missed, and I'll miss many of these people. I know we'll stay in touch, and I hope that they know just how much they meant to me, supporting me over the last two years. I receive many well wishes, and then leave. It was a liberating feeling to walk out the door. Not knowing what was to come, but excited for the ambiguity.

Off to pack the rest of my things, eat dinner with the girls and watch Valentine's Day, the movie. After a exhausting day, I finally crawl in bed for a good night's sleep for my drive tomorrow. Ready to hit the road of the next adventure.

February 3, 2010: Blast from the past

Today continued on at work like yesterday. More indexing, merging, filing, and mind numbing. It's been raining here for the last two days, so it's tiring weather anyway. I had to bust out my iPod today just to stay awake. I'm not very caffeine dependent anymore, so it was bad when a cup of coffee and a Diet Coke didn't help. I had an interesting Facebook dialogue with my girlfriends about all of our current or past addictions to Diet Coke. I'm fortunately kicked my habit, but I still crave an icy can at least once a week. Many of them are still in full swing with their three of four DCs a day. It's been good for my wallet to wean myself off.

After surviving the day at work and safely navigating through the flooded roads, including an emergency shoe stop to purchase of some fab Tahari pumps, I made it home. I sank into the couch, ate my Chinese take out, and watched some crime dramas (my fave) and some college basketball. And then that's when the past came out of the blue and knocked on my door.

I had a hard time deciding if I would blog about this, as I'm not sure that I want everyone to know about certain aspects of my life, but I decided that I made a commitment to write about the significant events in my life that affect my year, and this definitely fits. It all started when I sent out a blanket message to let everyone know that I was leaving on the 12th to move, and I wanted to try to see all my friends to say goodbye. I included a few ex-boyfriends that I still consider friends on this message. I didn't expect any of them to reply, but I thought it was a nice courtesy to let them know.

So, one of them texted me back tonight to get the scoop on my impending move. He asked where I was staying, and wanted to know if he could stop by and see me. I think this guy is fantastic. Not fantastic for me, but just a good person. He's smart, he's handsome, he's funny, but he can't commit. He likes to rotate his girlfriends. He'll break up with one, and go back to the other, then switch. I'm not part of this equation, although I do occasionally see him since he has stayed friends with our mutual friends. So, X stops by and we chat. Things seem good. He's actually achieving all the goals he set for himself, and seems happy. And then it happened. We kissed. And it all just flowed from there. And I know that I'll never date this guy again, but we have a special connection from the unique situation we went through together. And as we layed there and talked and he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my forehead, I felt content and safe for the first time in so long. He asked me what was going through my head. I was honest with him. I told him that my last boyfriend had really hurt me and that I just couldn't let anyone else in. He asked why I let him in then. Simple, I've let him in before, and I trust him. I know that this surface stuff can't hurt me. It's when real love, emotions, and my heart get involved. I've already given this man a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. I'll always care about him, but I know that he can come over, kiss me, hold me, and walk away and it won't break me. Maybe that's not an emotionally healthy decision, but at this point, I needed to feel close to someone. I needed someone to hold me, and talk to me, and care about me. I needed to open my heart up just the tiniest bit so I could know that I was capable of that simple act again.

So, no matter what my friends might say, I'm glad I let him come over. If for anything, it will help me with closure when I leave next week. I think we both said things we needed to say for a long time. And we now both know that no matter what, we're both there for each other.

Good night,

Miss L.A.

January 22, 2010: Legal talk

Going on day three of being sick. Very ready to rejoin the ranks of society. I slept again today until my fever broke and then struck out trying to come up with some ideas about where exactly I want my life to take me next. I've been considering law school as an option, so I spent some time today researching schools and deciding when I should take the LSAT. I've decided that I'll take it, see how I do, and then decide if I'll apply to any schools. I wouldn't even consider going until 2011, so I've got some time to think about my options. I'm still looking for new careers, considering my singing, and what other talents I have that I really enjoy and could utilize in a career. That's ultimately what I want. A career. I'm tired of jobs. Jobs that just pay the bills, that pass the time. I want something that I can grow in, that can utilize my intelligence, my gifts, my passion, and my desire to make this world a better place. Maybe I just dream big, but I feel like I can attain those things. Maybe it's the medicine head talking, but I hope that I'll find it soon.

Good night.

And so it begins ...

Today is the last day of 2009. I'm closing the first decade of my life that I feel I have real memories of in its entirety. I was 18 years old on December 31, 1999, and a freshman in college. Life has changed quite a bit since then. I sat back and thought about many of those changes, some good, some not so good. I think I had an entirely different outlook on life than I do standing here today. I've changed for the better. I've become an independent woman who doesn't just regurgitate the feelings and beliefs of my family or closest friends. I stand by my mantras and don't apologize for them anymore.

The first year and the last year of this decade have many similarities. Both share big changes and tragedies. Both share a sense of being on the brink of something new and exciting. This year, these changes seem much less nerve wracking than they did back in 1999.

I've decided to write about each day of my year in 2010. I want to be able to look back at this year of changes and embrace each victory and disappointment and gauge how I tackled each one. I don't expect my writing to be profound, or even exciting, but it it a project I feel inspired to complete, and I hope that it will give some people a chance to get to know me a little better. You may start to love me more, or even dislike me a little, but I won't be apologizing to anyone. I'm loud, I'm opinionated, and I'm a twenty-something single woman who is ready to swing my bat at whatever pitch is thrown at me next. So, sit back and feel free to join me on my journey. I'm excited to see what this year holds!