The Adventure Continues

So, I suppose that the first post that I write after I quit my job to write full time should be on an enlightened topic. I could write about the "easy way" to start your own freelancing business, how to get the gumption to walk into your boss's office and quit your less-than-stellar job in corporate America in chase of  "the dream." I could tell you that working for yourself is exactly like in the movies. Adorable casual clothes, coffee shops, all the time in the world to do your laundry, look perfect for every outing, and send all your friends birthday gifts on time.

If I wrote about all of those things, I'd be lying.

The truth is, that April 15th was my last day of work in corporate America -- for now. I don't think I publicized much how much I hated my job, but I worked as an insurance adjuster, dealing with injuries from car accidents. For those of you that know me, it was likely the most ill-suited career I could have ever chosen. I just can't do glass-half-empty all day. I need passion and creativity, something that was seriously lacking, even while on the office Events Committee. And so, I quit.

On the morning of April 18th, I woke up and went to work in my new office, my dining room. So far, working from home has been interesting. I did a lot of leg work. I got all new office equipment, including a brand new MacBook Pro laptop. It's lovely. The first few days flew by because I had quite a bit of work to do. It's the days that aren't so structured that are a bit odd. Like when I wake up and don't have any assignments from my clients, so I spend my entire morning searching for new work, doing research on writing, and brushing up on AP vs. Chicago Manual of Style; or I spend two hours comparing health plans. And then I find myself feeling guilty for having time to listen to the Fashion 140 conference online, and being able to throw myself completely into some guest blogs that I wrote.

The thing that I wasn't prepared for was all the alone time. I've lived out on my own for the last 12 years. I've had roommates at some points, and lived alone at others. I really don't have any problems spending time alone; that is until I was doing that very thing 24 hours a day, seven days a week for weeks at a time.

The last few days I've started to get a little stir crazy. I've started to doubt myself. I think, "do I really have what it takes to be a full-time writer? Do all my friends and family think I'm crazy? Are they secretly just waiting for me to fail and come crawling to them for help?"

I know these thoughts are ludicrous, but you get a LOT of time to think about your life when you don't have physical contact with the outside world. I mean, I go to the gym, and have dinner with friends, but I've never spent so many large chunks of time with myself. And I'm starting to think that having this much time to think when I'm in the last few weeks of my twenties is possibly a bad idea.

I've always been an over achiever. I set extremely high standards for myself, and I'm pretty self-critical. When I was twenty years old, I thought I'd be living in NYC and working at a big magazine by now. Or I thought I might be in Nashville following my dream of singing. If anything I thought I'd be in a serious relationship, and possibly married. I never thought I'd be single, living in Fort Worth, Texas, having just quit my job, and essentially starting my career from scratch. Over the last few months, I just felt like my life was heading in a direction that just didn't make any sense to me. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt like I was supposed to start over again. I sincerely believe that God doesn't give people talents that he doesn't want them to use. In my heart of hearts, I think He wants every person to use every bit of talent they've been given. Because of that belief, I'm hoping that this bout of loneliness and doubt will pass quickly. I know there is an extremely confident women lurking inside me who just knows that big things are on the horizon. It's one of those "heart vs. head" moments. I just don't know which one will win this round.

In the mean time, I'm recommitting to my blog again. I will share my life's adventures with the few people that choose to read it. And for those of you that do, I really appreciate it. I know that even if no one reads it, it's the most therapeutic thing in the world to me. At the end of each victory and set back, I can come here and relish in how far I've come from even a year ago. And that in itself keeps me going.

Cheers,

A New Adventure

Every teenage girl dreams of what she'll be when she "grows up." I've dreamed of seeing my name on a magazine masthead since high school. I would devour every morsel of each issue of In Style as it arrived in my mailbox; I quickly became addicted to the smell and texture of the glossy pages. My love for one magazine grew into two, three, and soon I was subscribing to upward of twelve magazines at any given time. If you asked for my vices, the check out line at the grocery store would top my list — I rarely leave the line without a shiny publication in hand. I received a B.A. in English from my beloved University, and I hit the pavement to find my dream job. After applying last-minute for a publishing institute in NYC and being wait listed, I settled for an editing job at an educational publishing company. A mere four years later, I got laid off. I sat befuddled at the young age of twenty-six; I was back at the drawing board, staring into the face of unemployment. I could not, would not, swallow my pride and move home with my parents. And so, I updated my resume and landed a new job.

Over the last four years, I've held jobs that were just that, jobs. They were not something that I in any way enjoyed. They were a paycheck, a means to an end. And slowly, I lost a little bit of what I loved most about my life; having a career that gave me real fulfillment. And so I started this blog. And after that, I began writing and editing for friend's blogs and other projects. I began rebuilding my portfolio and I've begun applying for actual writing and editing positions again. So where does the high school dream fit in? It finally came true! Since the entire point of this blog was that I would actually pursue my dreams, a friend asked if I'd like to edit and write a little copy for a start up magazine in Dallas. I kindly accepted, and enjoyed every minute of my assignments. They liked my work so much that they called to tell me that I will officially be listed on the masthead as a Contributing Editor/Copywriter. My little heart skipped several beats, and I was actually speechless. For those of you that know me, that's a rare occurrence. And so, the magazine went to print today, and I can't wait to share it with all of you. Even more importantly, I'm beyond excited to continue my writing and editing ventures for the upcoming issues. I know that the best is truly yet to come. Watch out world, L.A.J. is back in business.

Cheers,

January 25, 2010: An Anniversary & Monstrous Meeting

Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. That's 14,600 days that they have been married. They are still very much in love. Looking at the relationship they have gives me hope that I'll find someone great to share my life with. They met in February of 1969 in college, and got married just 11 months later. I used to imagine having a whirlwind romance like that until what I went through last year with DB. Now I know it will take me quite a bit of time to fully trust and love someone. So happy for my units and glad they had me and my sister. I have an amazing family!

So, my day at work went along smoothly enough until I had the meeting I'd been dreading. It lasted for an hour and a half, and didn't really go as I had hoped. I'm basically being backed into a corner. They are eliminating my current role, and offering me a receptionist job with 'special projects as needed.' In other words, I'm a secretary. I did not spend four years at one of the top universities in my state and nation to become a secretary. I explained to the CFO that I have many talents and abilities that won't be utilized in this position. I asked about room to grow. She dodged around the question, but essentially said that unless our firm grew, that I wouldn't be able to grow. No room for raises, no room for learning new skills, basically no room for any expansion for me as a person. This sounds dreadful to me. I can't imagine doing a monotonous task every day. I'm a person who thrives on challenges. So, she is basically asking me to accept the new "demotion" or to quit. If I quit, I'll be without health insurance and a paycheck.

To make matters worse, my living situation is about to hit the fan. I've been living at a friend's house while she lives with her boyfriend. I pay all the bills, and half of her rent. I didn't move anything in, save my clothes, so I'm essentially house sitting, but being charged. I clean, I water, I take care of the place. I've been living out of a few boxes and a suitcase for the last three months. This arrangement was working out well until my friend, who I'll call Jane, decided that she wants to move back in, and let her boyfriend move in with her. So, I have no place to live in a few weeks. And if I have to keep my job, I'll have no choice but to quit.

I feel like I'm literally between a rock and a hard place. Going to repeat my mantra for the year, "Keep the faith."

Off to sleep and escape from this reality for a few hours.

January 23, 2010: Up in the Air

So I'm still resting to insure that I don't relapse into my sickness. I want to make sure I'm ready to take the bull by the horns on Monday. I caught up on some reading, talked to a few friends, and watched a movie.

I've been meaning to watch Up in the Air  for a few weeks now, but haven't had time. My friend Paul saw it and has been dying to discuss it with me. Wasn't prepared for it to hit home quite so much. I really identified with both of the main characters in the movie. Ryan Bingham, played by George Clooney, and Natalie Keener, played by Anna Kendrick. I'm in the middle of these two. I'm not in my first job, but I'm not so settled in either. I still feel the naivety of Natalie's character, but I'm a bit jaded like Mr. Bingham. I can see the go getter persona, and the I know what I'm doing persona. I want to believe that my ideal mate is out there, but I'm more in the I'm likely going to have to settle camp. I realize that may be the jaded part of me talking, because anyone close to me knows that I'm a romantic at heart. I want to fall in love and have a great career, and do it all. I'm a great juggler, but I wonder if I'll ever get so jaded that I turn into Mr. Bingham, and when I finally do let someone in, am I just going to be there escape? Or worse yet, am I too much like Natalie, and I get emotionally involved with my jobs, so that I can't handle it when it gets hard. I just hope that since I'm choosing to move on in my life, that I'll find what I really love to do, and I don't end up being married to an airport or my suitcase. My heart broke for Mr. Bingham's character. I'm all for the travel, and the enjoyment of your work, but I hope I don't end up with an empty backpack and life like he did.

I think that's enough psychoanalysis for one night. Good night.

January 20th: The two best ladies and one sore throat

So today my two favorite women of all time were born. My mother (Madre) and my sister (Sis). I am so gratefu to have such amazing women in my life. I wish they lived closer, but I'm hoping that will soon be the case.

I was really hoping to call and serenade them with their usual birthday song, but alas, I've come down with strep throat, and I'm home sick. My blog post won't be all that exciting today as I'm feeling pretty wretched.

The one thought of the day I'll have is this. I've come to realize that most people in this world have no idea how to be sympathetic, and they only think of themselves. Now I realize that as a single woman, I often think of myself. However, if you ask most of my friends, they'll usually say that I'm the most loyal and giving person they know. I'm happy to invite you over, lend you things out of my closet, or help out when a friend is sick or just plain lonely. I still love snail mail, and I send cards for very small reasons. That being said, I've realized in the business world that no one wants to be kind unless they want something from you. Even when I was at work today with a 100 degree fever, my boss wanted me to go pick up his lunch. When I explained that I was sick and waiting for my doctor's appointment, he promptly went and asked someone else, and proceeded to bribe her by buying her lunch. Did he even offer to pick something up for me even though I was sick? No. And did I order his lunch and get everything ready for his meeting? Yes. But I guess that's just the way some people work. I'm done expecting people to be kind, even when you feel like complete and utter crap. I think some people enjoy seeing others down. It makes them feel like their life isn't so bad. The sad thing is that my life, even with strep throat, is better than most of my coworkers will ever be. Why? Because I approach my life with wonder, joy, love, hope, and awe. And most of the people I encounter harbor hate and bitterness, and have become so hardened that they've lost the ability to care for others. No matter what happens to me, I know I'll never become that way. So, even though I can't sing, there is a song in my heart that will never die.

Buono Notte,

Miss L.A.

January 19th, 2010: Hell is gonna freeze over

Sometimes I wonder why people underestimate me. I quickly realize it's because I so often hold back that they never see all the cards in my hand. For instance, at work I'll get asked a question by a coworker. Sometimes I'll instantly know the answer, but I'll act like I don't so I don't come off as a know it all. Or when my boss is trying to calculate numbers, and I do the math in my head, but punch it out on the calculator, because I don't want him to know that I'm smarter than he is. Why do I do that? I shouldn't let stereotypes define who I am. So, from now on, I'll show my cards proudly and exclaim just how much I have to offer.

The reason I had these thoughts was that once again, my favorite coworker, Donna, decided to rain on my parade. She's much older than I am, divorced, and bitter at the world. I think she's so incredibly jealous of my life, that her ultimate goal is to be as mean and hateful as possible to me. She acts like an incredible know it all, even though she's wrong 99% of the time. But who's counting? I finally just let it go and went about my business. I've written her nice emails, brought her coffee, gotten her a birthday card, but all to no avail. She's just going to stay bitter. I guess by now it just suits her.

So the CEO and CFO of my company finally decided they have time to meet with me, and our meeting is scheduled for Friday morning. Joy. Now I'll hopefully have some answers and closure will be in sight. It is safe to say that after all of that I was very glad for the day to be over.

I headed home to get ready to meet my old friend Benson for dinner. Benson (Ben) and I grew up together, attended the same high school and college, and he now is an attorney where I live. We've been meaning to catch up since the holidays, but haven't had time. I wanted to get some advice from him about Law, as I'm considering law school as an option of what I might want to do with my life. My dad is a former attorney, and since I'm always being told that I'm "just like him," it seems like a feasible option. I also really enjoy debating, so it may be a good fit. Ben and I met for drinks and dinner and caught up on family and friends. He listened intently and gave me great advice. He told me he thought I'd make an excellent attorney, and asked thoughtful questions. We laughed and had a grand time as usual. And then that's when it happened. Hell froze over. You see, Ben is a confirmed bachelor. He's the guy that's always said he'll never get married. He's incredible intelligent, funny, confident on the border of being cocky, and an all around great guy. He's as wild as they come, and loves following his own rules. But apparently he finally met his match. He announced that he is getting married, and couldn't be happier. My jaw literally dropped. I'm just so happy for him, because I think this is the happiest and most content I've ever seen him. I decided right there that if Ben can finally settle down, and give up his bachelor pad, and his wild side, that NOTHING is impossible. He gave me a great speech about finding love, and how it hits you in the face, and that he hoped that one day very soon we could sit down again, and I'd be giving him the same great news. What a nice thing to say. He told me I deserved it, and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed him.

I've come a long way baby. :)

Good night.

January 15th, 2010

I'm SO glad it's Friday! Man, these last two weeks have been a little rough. I went in to work today to prep for our offsite meeting that started around noon. Got all I needed to accomplish at the office, then trudged across town in the torrential downpour to make it to the meeting. All twenty marketing packages complete, powerpoint presentation on the flash drive, and all handouts ready to go. A week and a half preparing for this meeting and was so glad that it was almost over.

And when I arrive I wait outside for half an hour because the first session ran over. And one of the officers of our company comes out and tells me that they will be scrapping the entire second half of the meeting. All my work for nothing. And after I finish my lunch, they have the audacity to tell me to go back to the office on the opposite side of town. When the rest of the staff that had driven over as well asked about this they were told they could go home. So I asked my boss if I too could have the day off, and he wanted to know if I could go in to make ONE phone call to schedule an appointment for him in mid-February. Um, seriously? So, I made the executive decision that said phone call could wait 'til Monday and that I'd be heading home. Countless hours of overtime, missed lunches, and trips acorss town later and they still weren't satisfied. All this after they told me that they were eliminating my job. I'm all for loyalty, but that just about pushed me over the edge.

And so I came home and enjoyed a relaxing afternoon at my house, enjoying the rain and time with my dog. I hope that the rest of my weekend shapes up to be as good as this afternoon. Good night!

January 11, 2010

Ugh, back to work again. I'm at least free of some of the duties that I had before my job so drastically changed. I hated some of the monotonous tasks that I had to do, and now I have a little more creativity in my daily work chores. We'll see how long that lasts before they 'redefine' my work duties as they've been planning to do.

The morning flew by, and I left work early to grab Rick and take him to the airport. We said our goodbyes, and I went to get my haircut by my friend, and all around fabulous hair dresser, who I'll call HD. We chatted, and laughed, and he of course made me look and feel fabulous. He's such a doll, and I don't care if I ever move away, I'll likely drive or fly so he can do my hair. He's THAT good.

After my haircut I drove over for my choir rehearsal since we've got a big performance on Tuesday. I'm a member of the symphony chorus in my city, and it's been an amazing experience the last 5 years. We've sung amazing classical works, and performed with some extremely famous and talented individuals. We've even performed at Carnegie Hall. Tomorrow we're performing the National Anthem at an NBA game. There will be around 20-25 of us, and we're singing a four part harmony acapella version. We really nailed it at rehearsal and I'm really looking forward to it. After a late night of rehearsing, I headed home to get some sleep. I'm excited for tomorrow and seeing a great game of basketball after our performance. It's already a great week!

January 6th: A rant

So although I didn't set any rules up about how many times I would write in my blog per day, I decided today that I needed two installments. I'm going bananas here at my desk. I literally think I've thought about how to implement world peace because I'm so bored. I mean, why do I work in a job where I'm surrounded by so few people who are on the same plane of intelligence, yet I get stuck doing the most brainless tasks of anyone in the office?!? If I have to type one more thing into a spreadsheet, or file one more dead file, or fix the copier, I'll scream. It's days like today that I want to tell people who swear I'll be famous one day that they are full of it. Maybe I should go home and write a song about bitterness at work.

I know I'm supposed to be patient and take each day as it comes, but it's a little hard right now. I need a door to open soon. I'm desperately praying that God gives me some sort of direction, because I'm tired of feeling bored and listless all day. And then I can't stop thinking about what I should have said to Wes last night. Ugh. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda. It's too late. And it wouldn't have changed anything even if I'd said this list of things. Maybe I should just accept that I can be happy with my dog and living alone. At least I'm not the scary cat lady!

Back to my lovely spreadsheets ... At least I have a haircut to look forward to after work!

Oh wait, my hairdresser just canceled : (

January 4, 2010

First day back at work for the new year. It was a great reminder of why I've set out to change a few things in my life this year, work being one of those things. I work in the business world, and there were some marked staffing changes at the end of 2009 that greatly affected my duties at work. These changes essentially eliminated the job I was hired to do. So, now I go to work and receive a mish mash of tasks befit for a high school student, and that bore me to pieces. I have literally felt my brain cells evaporating as I sit at work and complete these mindless tasks. I'm just praying the right door opens soon enough that lead me to where I need to be.
And so I find myself asking what it is I exactly want to do. The answer always comes back to my true passion, music. You see I'm a singer. I have no idea why I was chosen to be given such a fantastic talent. I don't deserve it. But the only reason I can see if so that I can bring joy to other people. I sing about love, faith, sorrow, and every emotion the human heart can feel. It's how I get through my life. You'll never get into my car without a song. I sing my way through road trips, and life. Some people tell me that I'm crazy that I want to sing for my career, but I just don't think that God gives people talents like this if they aren't supposed to use them to their full potential.
The problem is that I often feel torn about where the path toward music will lead me. Should I love closer to my family and try for music there? Should I throw caution to the wind and move to Nashville and go for my dreams in the country music industry, or do I follow my heart to be with Wes and see where the music leads there? There just seem to be so many options, and I'm scared that I'll make another poor choice and end up disappointed like I was so much in 2009.
I've gotten advise, I've prayed, I've listened, and I guess it's time for me to be patient. I guess I just feel that I'm running out of time and need to make a choice about where I should move soon. I'm not sure that I'll have a place to live in a few weeks and so my choice may come down to what makes the most sense financially.
If sometimes decisions weren't so tough, but I guess that's what makes life so interesting. Oh delicious ambiguity.